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Posted by Charleigh , 07 March 2010 · 135 views

"Guilt always hurries towards its complement, punishment: only there does its satisfaction lie." Lawrence Durrell

Guilt seems to be a prominent feature in my life as of late and of course following guilt is punishment. My guilt primarily lies in my beliefs that I could have done something to stop the abuse and that I should have been a better person so I wouldn't have been abandoned so many times. Of course punishment is never far behind. Whether it be SI or not allowing myself relationships or to be cared for, not letting myself heal, always sitting with the pain because it's what I deserve. It's always my fault. There is always something that I could have and should have done differently. I am never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, in control of myself enough. What does it take and who should I be in order to stop blaming myself?

It's not just my guilt though. There are some people in my life who have hurt me and lately I have been wanting them to feel guilty, to hurt them for hurting me as their punishment. That's what I want. For them to feel guilty. For them to say that they were wrong for hurting me. To stop blaming me and take responsibility for hurting me. Yes, I hope that they will hurt as punishment but if not that's ok. I just want to hear that they are sorry for hurting me because then maybe I can stop blaming myself.

As much as I wish I were I'm not ready to say that what's done is done and nothing is going to change that. I wish I were there but it still hurts too much


I can so relate to how you are feeling, sometimes i feel that i just want to scream from the top of the roof so everyone can hear that I am not a bad person, its others that have hurt me. I want people to understand me, not take the side of the perpetraitor. It really screws my insides up.

I hope you,and just like me, that we can find a way of dealing with this and heal our inner peace.

Be strong :)

Hi LaurenNicole,
I want you to hear these words, It is not your fault, it never was your fault. I understand that we, as victims, have this internal need to blame ourselves. I think, in an odd way, it can be a protective instinct. If we blame ourselves, then we don't need to look at the pain or how vulnerable we were.
The fact is, that we were innocent. We had our basic human rights ripped from us, and that hurts, there are no words to describe that pain.
Denial and guilt are sneaky little protectors that keep us from feeling and dealing with vulnerability, sadness and other really difficult emotions. Unfortunately, it can also distract us from what is really important; healing.
Be gentle with yourself. :D


This is my place to reflect and say what I want. It may be triggering. If you don't want to know what I have to say I suggest you don't read what I write here.

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