Guilt seems to be a prominent feature in my life as of late and of course following guilt is punishment. My guilt primarily lies in my beliefs that I could have done something to stop the abuse and that I should have been a better person so I wouldn't have been abandoned so many times. Of course punishment is never far behind. Whether it be SI or not allowing myself relationships or to be cared for, not letting myself heal, always sitting with the pain because it's what I deserve. It's always my fault. There is always something that I could have and should have done differently. I am never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, in control of myself enough. What does it take and who should I be in order to stop blaming myself?
It's not just my guilt though. There are some people in my life who have hurt me and lately I have been wanting them to feel guilty, to hurt them for hurting me as their punishment. That's what I want. For them to feel guilty. For them to say that they were wrong for hurting me. To stop blaming me and take responsibility for hurting me. Yes, I hope that they will hurt as punishment but if not that's ok. I just want to hear that they are sorry for hurting me because then maybe I can stop blaming myself.
As much as I wish I were I'm not ready to say that what's done is done and nothing is going to change that. I wish I were there but it still hurts too much