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What's the point... slight trigger warning

Posted by Irishleo , 01 October 2013 · 140 views

Someone asked me the other day if I had any regrets in my life. In the past my response would have been no that I didn't. But at this stage of my life, I am riddled with regrets. I have so many... I've really fucked up my life, and some mistakes you just can't fix.

I've been having such dark and hopeless thoughts lately, and I can't seem to snap out of it. I feel so self-destructive, and I'm hurting so much inside. I've been having more panic attacks, and I just feel like I can't cope very well. I'm so alone, and so tired of struggling. Just tired of being worried, sad, afraid, and hurt all the time. I feel as if I've failed myself by allowing my weaknesses to win. I feel like I walk around with a protective shield around myself so that others can't hurt me, but then I hurt myself far more than anyone else ever could. I struggle so much with feelings of self-loathing. When other people try to hurt me, I'll usually fight back, but then once I've succeeded I turn around and destroy myself. I don't understand what the hell is wrong with me.

I don't even know why I want to hurt myself so much, or why so many bad images come into my mind. I know I'm a good person, and that I shouldn't hate myself so much but I can't help it. I'm so very tired.

I incur -and know this and live it daily also. it's exhausting I agree, Doesn't seem like a choice - this shame and low self esteem. and there's no logic to it. I wish there was a cure.
For me the first step was acceptance, accepting that I was broken and to stop fighting it, learning to be okay with it...and that's not the same as giving up. Do you have anyone to talk to outside of Pandys? A therapist maybe?

I Still struggle with feeling hopeless, the future being bleak and thinking what's the point. Like I literally hate myself and for the way I am. On those days I just go back to acceptance and realizing its okay I feel that way. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself some grace. I believe this will pass. Allow yourself to just be.


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