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needing a friend :(

Posted by nee , 15 November 2012 · 118 views

i have one very good friend that i have talked to for a couple of years about just about everything in life. over the past year she met a guy and she would tell me how he was trying to control her although he lives several hundred miles away from her. she would tell me that she wasn't scared of him (she lives with her brother and doesn't have kids that live with her) she had told me how he would call and call and call and hang up and just do little things to make her have the feeling "he's here somewhere". i lived with my ex for 10 plus yrs...he was controlling and manipulative...and he blames me for EVERYTHING bad that has happened in his entire life and apparently he has his gotten his mother in on his line of bs. he got his parents to the point where...we live in the same town, the girls graduated from high school here and went to school here since kindergarten and his parents never even called the girls on their birthdays. his dad has since died(within the past 2 yrs) and at his funeral he went off on his brother's wife about having TALKED to me.

anyways, back to my friend....every time i tell her something about my ex (like i was nervous when he was getting out of prison, off parole....etc) she just blows me off and tells me there is absolutely nothing to worry about. maybe it comes from the years of crap i put up with...the stalking, the lies, the anger...the showing up wherever whenever bs. i thought she would have more sympathy for me after she went thru something similar for months...but i guess she thinks her man moved on...mine BOUND to have after 10 yrs. but i just don't know. for a long time, i thought he had, too.

but i know his rage...i've witnessed it. i don't think he's would try to hurt me maybe, but i know he wants to control my daughter...the youngest. it's so scary to think he did something to her and that i was there and i know i tried to protect her every way i knew how...but was that ENOUGH??? did i actually keep her away from him? or did he get to her anyways?? it tears me up. my daughter says she doesn't remember, but i know how she is....she would do anything to protect me or her sister. she knows i would probably flip out beyond anything i ever had before if she told me he hurt her in any way.

i know i'm rambling and i hope it makes sense. my ex is suppose to be getting off parole soon and BOTH my girls have told me they would rather him know where they were because if he can't get in touch with THEM, he will come to me to find them. i wish i had someone to talk to...who just wouldn't brush off what i say. he only intimidates women. he is pretty much a wimp, or USED to be before prison..who knows now. but he sure does have his reins on me still. i won't hardly leave the house...everyone thinks i'm weird cuz i look over my shoulder all the time. i know he's there...somewhere. it was great when i KNEW he was locked up. i could finally breathe.

i'm not obsessed with my ex. i'm really not. i know it may seem to be...i'm just scared he will try to destroy everything i have because he thinks i did that to him.

sometimes i can put him in the back of my mind for a while...but something triggers me...a smell, a truck that looks like his, a guy that hangs out at my mom's house that looks soooo much like him i can't even talk to the man.

it's been several years since i've seen him. the last time was in court a couple years ago, i think. child support hearing. he was still trying to intimidate me there. he flipped on his atty telling him he would NEVER GO ON PROBATION AGAIN! he is evil. i just wish i could go away from this stupid town!!! ugh. i'm stuck in this damn place forever unless i just give up my house and move. :(

sorry for the rambling...just need to get some stuff off my chest.

I can relate to this. Seriously every time that I see a similar car to my ex my heart stops beating, I'm looking behind bushes and watchin my every move, and when ever I see someone with similar mannerisms, i automatically assume that they are just like my ex behind closed doors, and my has has never even randomly showed up any where so I cant even imagine how your feeling.

Maybe your friend just has a hard time talking about situations that are similar to hers. It might be triggering or something. I hope things improve for you and stay safe.
Hiding in your house is what you see as your protection, so I would ignore people who don't understand that. I would gently ask, though, is the house worth your safety and peace of mind? It's true that he could probably find you, but there are ways to make that more difficult.

I moved, and after ten years, I feel more safe than I ever have in my life. There were many losses, but overall, I would say it was worth it. I'm too much work to find, and I keep my name offline. I don't ever use my real name, even on FB, which I only use to comment on sites that require it.

You are no longer in HIS prison, and should not have to live your life in fear of his evil.

Is it possible that your long-distance friend is on a path to learn the hard way, and her story has triggered you into all of the worst memories - maybe if you knew then what you know now, you might have avoided getting involved with him, and want to do the same for your friend, because you couldn't do it for yourself?

I know this feeling so well. I see young girls I work with, jumping into the deep end, not knowing they are about to fight off drowning. Nothing will deter them. They are in the grips of being overwhelmed by the "charming" possessor - they have never known any male so "in love" with them. It makes them feel important and powerful, things they have never known.

You can only love her, which is your choice. It is her choice to allow this man to make her feel the things she's feeling, but she will need your help later, when it all crashes down. You can't stop her from drowning herself, only she can choose not to jump. You might help pull her out if and when she asks. It may be difficult to leave that door open for her, when it's triggering you.

Maybe let her know how painful it is to be triggered, and if listening to her triggers you, maybe you could ask her to talk about something other than him? That you care for her, and are happy she's happy, but that he is too similar to your ex for you to hear?

Be well.

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