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Posted by bellachai , 18 June 2013 · 128 views

I woke up this morning thinking about how much I invested 'me' in those who I love/loved and care about. I realized that over the years I overextended myself to the point of becoming bankrupted financially, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Now there is no 'me' anymore. Just a heartbroken empty shell physically exhausted, broken and in pain every fucking day. It leaves me so weary and feeling so alone. I am not sure I have the energy or the will to start over. I seems as if I have started over to many times already.

I obey the laws and follow the rules whether I agree with them or not. All my live I have strived so hard to be the good loyal daughter, the good student, the good loyal girlfriend/wife. the good employee, the good loyal friend and most of all the good loving caring mother. I can see that I have had some successes in all these areas but since my breakdown not so much. I also see how much it has cost me to work so hard and long to be these things. I invested myself in people I now consider high risk and I lost so much of 'me' in the process. All my investments have bottomed out and I am left with less than nothing. I had my eye on high dividends; to be loved and cared about as I love and care about others. I lost it all and now have nothing.

When I look in the mirror what I see is a stranger who I do not like the looks of. It cannot be 'me' but it is and I find the person ugly so mostly I avoid mirrors so I do not have to see what I have become.

I often wonder if I was dropped on the wrong planet or a vulture brought me instead of a stork. My father, mother and only sister are all quiet, soft spoken, stand offish, unaffectionate and sometimes cold and distant. Hugging any of them is like hugging a telephone poll, very stiff. Only one of my sister's sons is warm and affectionate and the other three are in the same club as their mother, my only sibling.

Then there is me. I am soft spoken but I laugh loudly and at times I can talk a lot. I am warm and affectionate. I give warm firm hugs and tell those I care about often that I love them. The differences don't stop there; Where as my family has dark hair and blue or hazel eyes, I am blond with big brown eyes and lighter skin then them. I know I am not adopted cuz I checked.

I feel like I lost me and I do not know where to go from here. I don't know how to find 'me' and I don't like what I appear to be.

Sorry I have not been her for several days as I haven't the computer for two days and recovering from a upper respiratory infection. Soon I will have my own computer and will not have to share.

Blessings to all

Jun 18 2013 09:09 PM

You are uniquely you. Just as I am totally different than my family, I am uniquely me. That is just who we are. We are the ones that love with our whole heart and we wear our hearts on our sleeves. So therefore it gets beat up a lot. I am sorry that things are so very difficult for you right now. You are truly a wonderful person and I am glad to call you friend.

I am here for you if you need to talk.
Please don't ever change, you are wonderful just the way you are.

Thinking about you!
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
You are wonderful. Read your description of yourself! Gorgeous in every way.

I understand about not wanting to look in the mirror. I feel that too right now, but someone wise on here pointed out that when we are low and sad our face 'sags' - I suspect when you look in the mirror you are seeing your sadness and pain there.

I understand also about investing in things. This is painful for me too. When my husband had an affair it seemed so harsh that my best wasn't 'good enough' as I tried so hard to do the things he wanted to make our life work. This still pains me at times. But I have come to realise that it is the 'being' that comes first, not the 'doing'.

:hug: for beautiful, bella, you. I am so sorry for all your pain - physical and psychological.
i don't have the words...but i understand...and love you just as you are. for who you are and not what you do.

interesting what susanna said about face sagging when we look...seeing the pain and sadness.

i hope you feel better soon. yay for new computer. (((love and hugs)))
I understand the feelings of hugging a post I get that from my mother and brother. My dad on the other hand was warm and caring, I am my dad's daughter. I have a son that looks and acts just like me, I am very lucky to have him in my life, I have a great husband(who y'all know) he loves me for me.

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