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I miss not feeling like I'm cheating because I think I love him.
I miss regularly getting with M et al every Friday night to feel loved. I miss them making jokes about her and I getting it on to turn them on. I miss when I didn't feel like I was putting her in the middle of my ex and I and making her choose between us. I miss feeling protected by the three of them, like when I was with them no one could ever hurt me. I miss when she would make A make me food to make sure I ate. It felt like they were working together to keep me alive, and that's what they were doing without even realizing it, and it was wonderful.
I guess I just miss not feeling like my world is crashing around me. I don't want to sleep because I don't want to lay awake and have nothing to do but think. I want to drink or cut or something just to take the edge off, but I don't have the means and know I shouldn't, respectively. I just want someone to tell me it's all alright, and I want to be able to believe them.