who is it
i can't be nice to other people without them thinking it's "something else". if i'm mean to them then i get hurt. yet if i'm nice, i'm hurt. no matter what i fucking do, i'm always hurt.
it's a struggle to decide do i die today? do i wait until tomorrow? i hate doing this all the time, having to make excuses and reasonings and planning adjustments. it shouldn't be so hard. but i make these stupid complex plans. idiot idiot idiot i should just do it already, but it might not work. so it's back to planning. it has to be perfect. but i keep finding some flaw. fuck, it's going to be a long, long time before i finally get it right.