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who is it

Posted by whodatninja , 28 May 2014 · 134 views

I'm not sure of who i am anymore. no matter how hard i try to be "normal" it never works. i'll always be "crazy" and still alone. i hate having to be alone. but it's safer than being around someone else. it's always someone else who hurts me and blames me for "making" them do it.
i can't be nice to other people without them thinking it's "something else". if i'm mean to them then i get hurt. yet if i'm nice, i'm hurt. no matter what i fucking do, i'm always hurt.
it's a struggle to decide do i die today? do i wait until tomorrow? i hate doing this all the time, having to make excuses and reasonings and planning adjustments. it shouldn't be so hard. but i make these stupid complex plans. idiot idiot idiot i should just do it already, but it might not work. so it's back to planning. it has to be perfect. but i keep finding some flaw. fuck, it's going to be a long, long time before i finally get it right.

I will tell you what I am trying to do. I have a issues as far as friends, anything more. 


What I am going to do is concentrate on doing things I like. And if there are people associated with that activity then I might make some social connections. If not, who cares. I'm doing something I like.


Not the best, but it is the best for me. I have been told by a psychiatrist that I need to go out and volunteer. To get around more people in a social setting. But I can't volunteer just to be around people, I need to be interested in what it is I am doing. Otherwise it is a waste of time to me. I have got tons of shit I need to do for myself (home repairs) and I'm not going to go and work my ass off somewhere just for the sake of doing something for someone else. I need to look after myself as well. Something I have not done a lot of for a long time.


So like I said. I am going to do things that interest me. Give me pleasure. It might include taking care (better care) of my house plants. It might be doing some metal working. It might be all kinds of things. But it may not include other people. (some might) But in the end it needs to be meaningful to me. Even just to stimulate my brain.


I'll let you know how it works. 

May 28 2014 03:06 PM
I know it's so hard to ever want to trust again. I like Candu's idea, getting involved with something meaningful to you, whether or not that involves people right away. Please be safe.
May 28 2014 03:17 PM

i'm trying my best. i am trying to do what's meaningful to me, despite everyone hating and putting me down over it. the madness drives me i suppose, because i don't have anything else.

If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

July 2016

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