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My biggest regret. is not telling. *On SA* *TW for swearing and talk of SA*

Posted by lilyvanilla , 19 September 2013 · 115 views

The first incident of sex abuse happened when I was 17. It's been almost 10 yrs. Next Oct. 14th it'll be.

I've dealt w/ it come to terms w/ it. I mean not that it's ever right or whatever. no he** no. And it won't ever be.

The last time I saw him [being the first guy] was 7 yrs ago. It was in April. I saw him right by the library. We didn't talk I didn't move. I figured ok so if I don't move he won't notice me.

Um. The fall after, when I was 18, he came to my house. [well, ok, my mom's/parents']. He was still in our lives at the time. And I knew something had happened [when I was 17 I was emotionally de**. No I was numb for a whole fu*** year. and angry] but wasn't sure what. He went "you used to tell me everything" and I go "yeah well that was then".

*TW*: Also at the time 'it' happened....my body knew something was wrong being that it really fu*** hurt but that was where it ended. um. It took me until college to tell someone. yeah I got help for it which was short lived bc of my other issues. - *TW* End.

My mom didn't find out until I was in college. we don't talk about such things.

Anyway. Back to point.

But I didn't report it. I didn't know what'd gone on and even if I had I wouldn't've reported it.

Um. The 2nd time I was 23. it took me a year - until I was 24 - to realise exactly what'd happened. I don't think my mom ever found out. I washed my comforter like, a week or so after. not bc there was a lot of blood but bc I didn't want my mom finding out. [which ok yes is illogical since up until this spring she'd never been in my room. er my room at my place that is. ok but that's another ballpark]. But illogical or not I didn't want her finding out.

Not a lot of people know even now. Last winter was when I'd just started telling people about the 2nd one. oh and then the 3rd one happened last Dec., so.

My mom might know about the 3rd one. not that it's talked about. it's not.

But the whole point of all of this is each time I didn't report it. bc I didn't want my parents involved. still don't. No I won't let them take care of me and I've already gone over why.

Yes I regret that. a lot. Like a lot a lot. But if I had a different relationship w/ my parents if they'd been different people then yeah I just might've.

As put. My biggest regret. is not having told. not having reported it. it's too late to do anything about it now of course.

July 2016

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