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When it Rains, it pours

Posted by AngelGirl1517 , 25 February 2011 · 61 views

It is so interesting in my life right now. I'm not sure that I understand all of what is happening to it. I feel like my entire life is being systematically dismantled around me. Some days I am pretty calm about it and am able to keep up the "It is what it is, we'll deal with it when it comes" attitude. On other days the pain of it all is just more than any person should have to feel.

My Fiance is out of town for quite a while - a few months maybe, and I don't get to talk to him very much. I had a few situations with my close friends in the last week or so that resulted in me just not feeling all that safe with them right now. I don't want to talk about my life, I just want to get whatever over with that I have to interact with them about and then move on in to dealing with my own life - Alone. The downside of this - of course is that I am alone... pretty much completely. I don't have anyone to talk to that I would trust with what is happening for me. The truth is, I don't even think that I know what is happening for me TO talk about it. This is a hard time for me. I don't know why. Normally I've got it all together - or at least together enough that I can fool everyone around me. Now, I've dropped all the balls and I'm not really attempting to pick them up - I'm just attempting to survive every day.

I can talk a little bit with my Fiance when we talk, but unfortunately he has a lot of his own stuff going on right now (hence the long trip) that he is having to deal with with family and stuff like that, and so I feel like I can't ask him to be the strong one right now - because the truth is, we are both so weak right now we can hardly support ourselves, let alone each other.

I re-injured my foot day before yesterday so it is now broken again. That is challenging for me to deal with. I get so much relief from physical activity and exercise, I think a huge amount of my emotional problems right now are that I do not have that coping mechanism to deal with my stuff. I didn't really know how much I rely on exercise and dance to be my therapy and release until I broke my foot and haven't been able to do it since the last week of December. Last week I felt so much better, I worked HARD on the packing and cleaning and stuff like that and I felt SO good. From movement. But it made my foot weak again, because I wasn't ready... And now I'm back and square 1. DAMN it! LOL It is a stress fracture, so it is hard to heal and easy to re-break for a while after the injury. I have to be more careful with it, but I don't know how I will emotionally survive my physical injury.

Anyway, that's my story. I'm alone and without my normal coping skills, meanwhile, things are coming at me like rain that would upset me on a good day, nut now they are all together... So, I'm just numb.

Amber



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