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When you told me what little M had managed to say, my heart sank. I was surprised you did, we hadn't seen each other since we were little. Maybe just because he has been a part of both of our lives, maybe you just needed to say it to someone.
I can't bare the thought of it, of him taking advantage of that little boy's condition. Of course i wish more than anything that none of these things happened. But they did.
I felt sick when i heard that, and i wondered if you suffered too. Even then it didn't register in my mind how wrong what he done to me was. I wish it had. This letter is going to be full of wishes that i know can't come true.
I wish when someone walked in and i was questioned about what he was doing, i could have told. I can't help thinking maybe M wouldn't have been hurt too.
I wish when you told me about M, i had spoken up then.
I wish for everyday i didn't tell that those days didn't exist.
I know there was people looking into it a few years ago but i don't think you were ready.
What made me finally speak up, im still not sure. The only reason i can give, ironically, was in the chance it might save someone else from being hurt.
When i did, i told my mum who told the police. You decided you were ready to report him too.
I felt guilty, maybe i brought all this back for you, maybe you felt you had to do it. I hope you still think it was the right thing to do.
I admire your strength for simply turning up to court that day, my relationship with him was different to yours. I would never want to patronise you but in my eyes its a million times worse for you.
Because of who he is.
To face him and who was there, how you done it i have no idea. Your an incredible person, without really knowing anything about you, i know that.
I always thought your story would be like mine, about a child. It wasn't, in court all i heard about yours was your age. Unless theres more to your story?
Today i've spent the day wondering if at any point i would have told, would it have meant you didn't suffer?
I know i can't keep looking for ways i could have saved you. I have to accept that.
Please know, if i had understood then i would have told. When i was ready to tell i was too late.
Logically i know i can't blame myself but that doesn't make these words any less sincere. Im sorry he hurt M, im sorry he hurt you too. Im sorry i was silent. Im sorry you had to have him in your life.
I cried for you today, really cried. That probably sounds silly but its true. Listening to 'kristy are you okay' i think thats the name of the song.
Though we mean nothing to each other, i feel pain for you knowing you understand every feeling i have.
Sometimes i want to get in touch. I wouldn't, for so many reasons. I just hope you know theres someone out there that understands.
I wish you so much happiness in your life, you truly deserve it.
Last thing i want to say to you is thank you, from the bottom of my heart. If you hadn't reported when i did im not sure i would have been able to go through with it.
You wouldn't know it but you and M were my strength everyday, from when i gave my statement til i walked into that court room.
When i felt i couldn't, didn't deserve to, wouldn't be heard and all the other doubts, i thought of you.
When i felt like i couldn't breathe and was going to d*e at the thought of standing up there, i thought of you.
You came forward, after trying to before i wasn't ever going to let that be in vain.
There was no way in hell i was letting you be there alone, how i felt was horrific but i can't imagine what it was like for you. Its one of the hardest moments in my life, i imagine the same goes for you.
What else i can say i don't know.
I hope your life and mine can be a big fuck you too him, even if that seems impossible now. He knows he didn't win, i hope one day he'll see it too.
I have no other words right now.