depressing, depressive...not even sure...TW...
Things have been pretty dark for me lately, emotionally. My thoughts have been suicidal for a great deal of the time. At the moment, I am at a lull in those thoughts. I am seeing a small break in the dark dark clouds that have covered me for a long time.
I did too much today. No more than I usually do. No more than I've usually done for most of my life. But since I contracted lyme disease, I find that I have some very bad days, physically. Which only add to my depression.
I'm not going into details, but I came close to doing something today.
I'm a little scared right now.
I have to discuss how I felt today with Dr K when I see her tomorrow. Because today isn't the only day I've felt this way recently. I have really been struggling with my depression for quite a while.
There is a huge part of me that doesn't want to end up in the hospital. There is a small part of me that thinks maybe that's where I need to be right now. I think my biggest problem with that is that I can't afford to be in the hospital. At least, not financially.
If I don't work, I don't get paid. And with a new car payment on top of my other bills, I have to work. Which only adds to my stress. Which only adds to my depression.
And on top of all of this, my depression, and my lyme disease symptoms, I see my obgyn tomorrow. I have been having some pretty painful female problems, and had a pelvic ultrasound a couple of weeks ago. And instead of telling me on the phone that everything was fine, I have to go in to discuss the results.
So there's the stress of worrying what the results of that test are.
I honestly don't know how I got to this point in my life. I faced this hurdle before, when I was young. Being suicidal, wanting to die, it's a horrible thing. It's gut wrenching.
What I mean is, what is horrible, and hard, and gut wrenching, is just trying to convince myself that I can hang on, that it can get better. Every single fiber inside of me is screaming that it will never get better. Every single fiber inside of me is screaming to just give up, give in, and end it all.
I even tried to convince myself today that if I just SI it would help, and I would feel better, and that I wouldn't feel suicidal.
But I have no urges to SI.
I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say anymore.