[Etheris]

Good luck, Zammus. *Hugs if okay*

[Leen]

I don't know how to start this. I covered up and didn't tell anyone what happened to me for 9 years and then something similar happened again a month ago. I finally broke my silence. I suppose I realized that I did deserve to heal. Everything from 9 years ago seems so fresh, a wound reopened. I guess you can never have too much help in getting better and hopefully I can get even more support here. I'm done covering this up and being ashamed, I'm ready to heal.

[msbella]

I need to ask this. I've thought it over what seems to be a million times. Should I be here? I agreed to the encounter. I thought it would be like the previous times. It wasn't. He got rougher and continued until I was physically injured, even though I told him to stop, he was hurting me. I told him numerous times, and he didn't. The physical injuries required medical care, almost to the point of hospitalization. But, I agreed to the encounter. I remember telling him over and over to stop. His eyes were kind of glazed over and looked angry. There was a half hearted, sorry afterwards, one that he couldn't look me in the face. He blamed my injuries on several things, other than what he did. Should I be here?

[LizzieBeth]

I need this thread. I'm still unsure whether I have any right to put myself in the group of sexual abuse survivor. What did I survive? A pushy high school guy with a way with words. A guy I obviously had a crush on. I wanted it to happen the first time. I let him continue to do it, never once told him to stop, even though I could have. I let it continue for years, regardless of whether I wanted to or not. He never physically hurt me, never showed any signs that he would. I agreed to be the 'other woman' by never saying I didn't agree. I remember knowing he wouldn't be my friend anymore if I didn't give him that. I shouldn't have been so insecure that I relied on him so much. I could have just said no, let him go, and never done it again. He still tells me I was an equal partner in those years, that it was as much me as it was him. How does that give me a right to be here?

[msbella]

LizzieBeth, on 01 March 2011 - 11:39 AM, said:

I need this thread. I'm still unsure whether I have any right to put myself in the group of sexual abuse survivor. What did I survive? A pushy high school guy with a way with words. A guy I obviously had a crush on. I wanted it to happen the first time. I let him continue to do it, never once told him to stop, even though I could have. I let it continue for years, regardless of whether I wanted to or not. He never physically hurt me, never showed any signs that he would. I agreed to be the 'other woman' by never saying I didn't agree. I remember knowing he wouldn't be my friend anymore if I didn't give him that. I shouldn't have been so insecure that I relied on him so much. I could have just said no, let him go, and never done it again. He still tells me I was an equal partner in those years, that it was as much me as it was him. How does that give me a right to be here?

Not sure, but it sounds like there is more to your story. Emotional abuse is sometimes hard to pick up on, especially if you have been abused before. You say he still tells you that you were an equal partner, so you are still in contact with him? The way he makes the statement sounds like he is avoiding his part in it, or at least focusing more on your part in it to justify what he did. Abusers do what ever they can to take the attention away from their behavior. It's how they keep the abuse going. Ultimately it's up to you to decide if you should be here.

This post has been edited by msbella: 01 March 2011 - 08:30 PM

[Satya59]

I was sitting in my livingroom early this morning after reading a morning meditation regarding shame! In the quietness, I asked my loving God to help me heal this brokenness of shame which clings to my bones. Seven hours later I decide to dive into the internet world searching rape/shame articles. The book, After Silence: Rape and My Journey Back discusses the difference between guilt and shame..The following words sunk into my heart like someone stabbed me..."The feeling of shame is so intense for rape victims that many never tell anyone what happened to them. Shame silences because it encloses the entire self." My shame has controlled my life entirely in all areas of my life. The struggles with intimacy have consumed my thoughts, extreme protection, never feeling safe, never feeling loveable, and always feeling dirty. I have no clue how I got to the website Pandora Aquarium. I want to believe it was a Divine Act! This is a huge step for me to even acknowledge to a publc forum I am a survivor of rape...feeling a little anxiety with extreme caution not to disclose anymore information. My protection value within my soul flashes red alert signals stop disclosing. I want to believe this is the first baby step toward liberation, I think?

[Untangling-It-All]

msbella, yes, you belong here. It is as clear as day to me. You were hurt very badly. For me there were no physical signs that I was hurt, nor any physical threat, and I was still traumatized. I belong here, and you do too. I am sorry for what was done to you.

[msbella]

Untangling-It-All, on 20 April 2011 - 03:41 PM, said:

msbella, yes, you belong here. It is as clear as day to me. You were hurt very badly. For me there were no physical signs that I was hurt, nor any physical threat, and I was still traumatized. I belong here, and you do too. I am sorry for what was done to you.

I appreciate your kind words. I have quite a few friends, but often feel like the odd person out, regardless. My rapist/abuser is no longer in my life, hasn't been for a long time, but the psychological abuse still goes on from time to time, yet I question my right to be here. I'm tired of being followed. After 2-1/2 years it gets really tiring. Thanks so much for your kindness.

[phoenix8]

Thank you Jes, for saying what I've been feeling-
Anytime I've mentioned being raped by my father to anyone, I get a response as if I said I had broken my arm or something similarly insignificant. For the amount of pain and horror that i went through, and am still going through, i hear things like: well that was a long time ago, or you need to move forward and focus on what you are doing now. To my recent therapist, I told her I would have rather been through the holocaust than grown up in my family, and her only response is to tell me that there are plenty of people who have been through just as bad or worse, which is (doubtful for one), and not to mention I need this pain to be acknowledged and dealt with, not minimized. It was as if the the sky turned black and the ground opened up to the fiery pits of hell and this evil monster is there and has total control over me. Its not even human. Its the most terrifying thing I could ever imagine, and it took me thirty years to even acknowledge it as real. And i desperately need someone to understand. I need a therapist who specializes in this kind of stuff, not someone who says that there are plenty of people who have had it just as bad or worse. That's not a helpful comment at all. I have no idea why people have this compelling urge to minimize this kind of thing, as if it can be healed by being ignored, but I ignored it for decades. I built walls around it so I would never know the truth, I numbed the pain with heroin for years. And I so desperately need some real help from someone who knows the truth of how painful this stuff really is. But I cant seem to find that person anywhere, and I dont want to burden friends with my problems. Most of them cant relate anyway. I feel so completely alone in this incredibly painful dungeon of emptiness. I really need a good therapist, and I dont have one. I really want to get over this but I cant do it all on my own. If anyone knows a good therapist near albany new york, please let me know.

[msbella]

msbella, on 20 April 2011 - 04:51 PM, said:

Untangling-It-All, on 20 April 2011 - 03:41 PM, said:

msbella, yes, you belong here. It is as clear as day to me. You were hurt very badly. For me there were no physical signs that I was hurt, nor any physical threat, and I was still traumatized. I belong here, and you do too. I am sorry for what was done to you.

I can tell by your name "Untangling It All" that you have been in the same hell I was. Just because there were no physical signs, that doesn't make it any less painful. I've always said, it was easier for me to take the punches than the mind games that were played during the molestation. I am sorry for what you have went through. Don't minimize what happened to you. Just because there are no bruises doesn't mean your weren't hurt to the core of your soul. I am so sorry for the hurt you have experienced.

I appreciate your kind words. I have quite a few friends, but often feel like the odd person out, regardless. My rapist/abuser is no longer in my life, hasn't been for a long time, but the psychological abuse still goes on from time to time, yet I question my right to be here. I'm tired of being followed. After 2-1/2 years it gets really tiring. Thanks so much for your kindness.

[Untangling-It-All]

msbella thank you. Emotional pain can be just as bad as physical pain. You are right, I was hurt to the very core of my soul, as all of us here have been. You don't have to question your right to be here, but that too is part of the healing process, these doubts and questioning. When I first joined here I for the longest time didn't believe I should be here, I felt like a fraud and an intruder. But over time I have come to understand that I am neither of those. You will too. Stay strong, you are not alone.

[lucyjo]

Thank you for posting this it is nice to be reminded sometimes

Lucy

[Lynn4745]

I was molested when I was a child, I am now 42. My abuser was my brother who died in January. I always knew what happened but never dealt with it.....not when it happened, not in my teens, 20's or 30's. Two months before he died (it was an unexpected death) I had began to see a counselor......marital issues brought me there but I knew what was at the core. I went to her twice, then he died. I've been in such a tailspin of depression, rage & a whole spectrum of intense emotions. Though my family had always known it was never discussed & I've been assaulted with "you need to forgive" "its in the past you need to move on" "he woulldnt have hurt you unless he had been hurt himself" etc etc. Each comment was like a brick wall falling on me.

I began googling the topic & found Pandoras, I feel like I found "my" people.

[heathermarie04]

Thank you. This means a lot to me.

[songbird83]

thank you for this. Everyone deserves to heal.