The Angst of A Recovering Codependent
Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.
Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.
Darn it! I notice myself doing some of this pattern of codependence today in my life. I am so sick of this buzzword but it describes me like no other. I can pinpoint when I am out of balance and go to this buzzword and realize I need to assess, regroup, or take care of me. I am out of balance right now...or helping others more than myself and feeling a little burnt out. The good thing is that I recognize it much faster than in the past and can pull up and out and take care of me.
It looks like I need to self soothe and tell myself all the great things about how I am accepted, loved, or valued. This will decrease the need for being codependent or not taking care of myself while trying to help others. I need to make myself a priority and meet my own needs for love and acceptance and then I can care for others, without burn out, due to my own love needs being unmet. Consequently, attempting to meet my basic needs by doing for others to feel loved and accepted.
I must recall that helping others does not meet my needs for love and acceptance, which is given for just being alive. This is not easy to remember since my whole childhood and many destructive dysfunctional relationships I have had was based on conditional love or doing. "Do this and then I will love or accept you!" The person who raped me in college is one of these people. He was conditional and abused me greatly. He was a person who controlled and manipulated me to meet his own selfish physical needs for self gratification. I developed a dependency on meeting his needs and on his control; I placed a lower priority on my own needs while being excessively preoccupied with his needs. Then I experienced feeling drained, burned out, used and humiliated!
Of course, this would have never happened if he had not planned to SA me and carry it out. I was forced into "a time and space" I would have never occupied. Once there, all my codependent patterns of coping in my home came out, and I became controlled by this rapist for attention, love, acceptance, nurture...all of what my family did not give me. He committed the rape and this is how my mind played out my family's neglect of me.
It was very painful to hit rock bottom and realize this person or rapist did not love me and I was used for his sexual pleasure! I walked away from him after he forced me to abort my baby he impregnated me with. It was then that I knew he did not love me, because he could not even love his own child. This was a heartbreaker for me. I got out fast and of course with no awareness I had been raped. My mind thought it was consensual and all my fault. It wasn't! Sexual abuse is never my fault. This dubious honor lies with the rapist who planned and carried out the crime of rape against me!
P.S. I am experiencing or feeling angst. Angst, often confused with anxiety, is a transcendent emotion in that it combines the unbearable anguish of life with the hopes of overcoming this seemingly impossible situation. Without the important element of hope, then the emotion is anxiety, not angst. I will survive or overcome with God's help!