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Day 225: Temptation Backward

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 23 July 2014 · 138 views

July 23, 2014 Intrepid Age = 153 Days
 
Each day for the last week or so I have receded a little further into my old self. I have a temptation that is a bit of a struggle. I'm hoping it won't be. It might not prove to actually even be a temptation. But, if it goes from an invitation to an actual temptation I feel confident I'll avoid my old behavior. I feel confident, and yet here I am feeling compelled to write about it. Perhaps it is simply that confession is good for the soul. Perhaps it is because this is on the front of my mind and I can't write anything else as long as it's here. That's probably it.
 
I might be feeling at risk because I have the upcoming self-catheterization appointment that feels terrifying. I know I'll be OK up to and through the appointment. But afterward. Afterward is when I am most likely to be in a terrible state. I find myself considering the possibility of arranging the tempting encounter to follow the self-catheterization appointment. It would push me completely free of any emotions related to that appointment.
 
Sigh.
 
I didn't realize I was thinking any of that. Once again, I marvel at how free-writing exposes me to myself.
 
I guess I better talk to my T about this tomorrow.



I wonder if the temptation is a form of SSI. The connection between the doctor's appointment to self-catheterize and then the acting out---curious.

 

Much love to you either way, and best wishes in all regards. You are brave, my dear.

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intrepidshe
Jul 23 2014 09:55 PM

Jiva,

 

You could be right and I think that's what is niggling at me. I set aside other forms of SH and feel a pull because I haven't been coping effectively . . . not as effectively as I want, anyway.

(((((intrepidshe))))))  Hoping you have a safe night. Be gentle with you, you're beautifully deserving of it. 

:hug: :hug:

:hug:

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yarnfoolishness
Jul 25 2014 06:25 PM

:hug:

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

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View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

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