Hi everyone,
It seems like a lot of people on this board right now are having problems with shame and feeling like it was their fault. I thought I would share this exercise from <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060964375/o/qid=989471318/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/107-2309128-2844533">"The Courage to Heal Workbook"</a> by Laura Davis, that helped me deal with my feelings that my rape was my fault. If you don't want to do the exercise, of course you don't have to, but I thought it might help us identify sources of shame and talk about it. Please be safe when doing exercises like these, because they can be triggering.
Lis
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LETTING GO OF SHAME
Before you can let go of shame, you have to recognize it, name it, and hold it out in the light of day. When you keep shame a secret, it gains power over you. Yet you may feel too ashamed to tell anyone why you think the abuse was your fault. Or maybe you've never taken the time to actually look at the reasons. But admitting shame is the first step to deflating its power.
The following exercise is in two parts. The first asks you to identify the reasons you blame yourself for the abuse; the second asks you to gather information to negate those reasons. Filling out the answers in the first section can bring up intense feelings of shame and self-hate. It's important that you counter those feelings by filling out the more positive affirmations in the second section. Try to complete both parts at once.
IDENTIFYING HIDDEN SHAME
Fill in the following sentences. Don't hesitate or censor your answers. Write down the first thing that comes into your mind. (Feel free to use any of the examples that pertain to you).
Examples:
A. It was really my fault because - I kept going back for more. I was the one who asked for a backrub.
B. It was really my fault because - I had an orgasm. I must have wanted it.
C. It was really my fault because - I never said no.
D. It was really my fault because - it was only my brother. And he was a year older than me.
E. It was really my fault because - my father said I was a slut. He told me I wanted it.
F. (for men) It was really my fault because - I had an erection. It must have felt good to me.
1. It was really my fault because ____________________________________
2. It was really my fault because ____________________________________
3. It was really my fault because ____________________________________
4. It was really my fault because ____________________________________
5. It was really my fault because ____________________________________
6. It was really my fault because ____________________________________
REPLACING SHAME WITH REALITY
A good support person will readily tell you that abuse wasn't your fault. A great support person will tell you why it wasn't your fault. If you start with an intellectual understanding of why you weren't to blame, that understanding often begins to infiltrate and replace the false beliefs you carry. Your sense of shame is gradually alleviated and you begin to realize, in your deepest self, that you really weren't to blame.
Go back through "the reasons it was my fault" you just came up with. For each reason, write down a corresponding rebuttal (see other examples below). If you can't think of anything to write, talk to other survivors. Read The Courage to Heal. Read other books about healing from abuse. Ask your therapist to explain it to you. If you don't have a therapist, what do you think a good counselor would tell you? This is a research project. It is your job to come up with facts and information that contradict your reasons for blaming yourself.
When you've done your research, write the reasons down. Even if you don't believe them at first, write them down anyway. Putting the truth down on paper is the first step in replacing a false belief with a true one.
Examples:
A. It wasn't my fault because - children need attention and affection to survive. Sex with my grandfather was the only touching that was available to me. That's why I went back for more.
B. It wasn't my fault because - my body responded. My body did what it was supposed to do. It wasn't my fault.
C. It wasn't my fault because - I was never taught to say no. No one in my family ever taught me that it was okay to set boundaries or say no.
D. It wasn't my fault because - my brother was older and stronger than me. He had a lot more power in the family. I looked up to him and wanted to do anything to please him. When you're a young twelve and your brother is thirteen, one year is a big difference.
E. It wasn't my fault because - My dad was wrong. I was an innocent child. He called me a slut to justify his own sick behavior.
F. (for men) Penises are supposed to respond to touch. I had an erection because my abuser stimulated me sexually, not because I wanted to be abused.
1. It wasn't my fault because ____________________________________
2. It wasn't my fault because ____________________________________
3. It wasn't my fault because ____________________________________
4. It wasn't my fault because ____________________________________
5. It wasn't my fault because ____________________________________
6. It wasn't my fault because ____________________________________
(<a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060964375/o/qid=989471318/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/107-2309128-2844533">The Courage to Heal Workbook</a>. Laura Davis. pp 257-260)
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