The irony of it all!
But it's so ironic that it's so hard to accept for myself! I see myself as "not needing it anymore" I should be able to handle a lack of physical contact, a lack of touch, I should be able to live just fine without hugs all the time. Yet I am so much happier when someone gives me a hug! A child, running up to me all excited, and throwing themselves on me is just the greatest thing. It instantly makes me so much happier
And even today, I purposely brought myself back in my memories, tortured myself on purpose so that I could get to the bottom of a worrisome detail. I waited to do it in T, because I knew I probably would need help coming back and calming down. And boy did I ever! I came out of it on my own, all at once. almost hysterical, panicking and absolutely terrified. I didn't even have to ask for T to come sit next to me. I rejected her touch at first today, but she wouldn't let me be, and it helped. At the end I finally got the courage to ask for a hug, and she almost squealed she was so happy I asked! I don't think I've ever had someone hug me so thoroughly. But it was so nice to feel safe and cared for, for once. I almost choked she was squeezing me so hard. She was the one half crying. I think the fact that she was so happy to give that hug, and so happy I asked is even more comforting than the hug itself.
So why can't I do this with my mom?? She's my mom! I know she loves me, more than anyone else, and cares about me moe than anyone else. Even T can't come close to that. So why can I ask my therapist for a hug, but not my own mother?? That's just backward. So messed up. Funny though, I don't wish my T was my mom. I really don't. I would hate her as my mom. My mom works just fine,but just doesn't read my thoughts as well as T does. Or is it that I share more with T...? I dunno.
And to think, my next appointment isn't for 2 weeks! I really can not cave and make one for this next week. I must not! I must save money!