Scared of falling apart again
A car almost hit me last night and the reaction in my head was "too bad". I was getting used to not feeling suicidal over the last few months. Now I have all these suicidal ideations again. It's not "When I get better", now it's just "It will only get better if I die."
I feel like such a failure. Such a failure of a person. I thought I was healing up, and now here I am falling apart. I feel like my head is just sick and I'll always struggle like this.
I had a dream last night that I found my passion. I felt what it was like to have a passion for something. It was illustrating in my dream. In my dream I had the drive and the desire to pursue it. And I woke up, and the passion was gone. I thought about how extremely useless I am. I feel hollowed out.
On top of that I feel envious of other people. I actually don't usually feel envious. I just accept that in some ways my life has been harder, and I'm sure it's the same for them. But my friends were discussing their parents and I just felt so sad in comparison, just a pathetic sad creature that couldn't convince her own parents to take care of her.
They just seem more intrinsically able to be loved. Like there's something in me that they had but I don't. Their parents *want* to take care of them, and they have to set boundaries with them. For me, my father phones me once a year for my birthday. It's hard not to just have a pity fest.
The stupidest part about this is I know that I'm just being a cry-baby. This doesn't help anything. It just hurts so much.