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I'm able to see my history in black and white and it has shown me some things about myself. It has (dreadfully) shown me some things in the types of people that I have placed a measure of trust in throughout my life.
I'm learning that I can be quite gullible when the right things are said and done in order to win my trust or admiration. I recently experienced that once again with horrible consequences. That event (along with others in the past year or so) has me questioning my trust in the validity or effectiveness of a continuing to go to therapy.
While it is nice to be told that someone cares about me. That is the very type of things that have been said to me so many times by people who have shown that they were unwilling or unable to be there for me when things get totally bad and often it is those people that are there to twist the knife a bit deeper. I seem to be drawn to the most damaged people and even though red flags are popping up everywhere that the person is not to be trusted, I continue to hope that they will be different.
I don't think I have anymore room for hurt in my soul. I'm a shell of the person I once was because I have cared about and trusted some really bad, unhealthy, or misguided people along the way. I don't want to trust in therapy because of this. I have really sort of lost the will to give it another go trying to give someone my trust.
What do I want now? Peace would be nice... but I think more than anything I want my voice heard, truly heard for the first time in my life. I want to finish this book and be free in it to tell the truth without concern that some people may get hurt in the process. These are some of the people who had no qualms about hurting me so badly. I have stayed mostly silent while these people have surrounded themselves with those who will tell them what they want to hear (that they are faultless or blame free). I want to finally speak the truth and see if people will hear and believe.
Meanwhile, I have been thinking that I don't want to continue with therapy. No one could ever dissect or analyze me to the extent that i do everyday. I don't want to surround myself with people who will tell me what they think I need to hear in order to feel better. I want to have a true and honest relationship-- even if it is just with myself for a while. I think it will make the book more honest. I see the flaws in myself better than anyone and I can also see some good. I will know that the good is still there when I don't live up to my expectations. I will not seek to destroy myself just because there is some truth that I don't want to have brought to the light (like others have done before).
My hope is that this book will help some people. I also hope that it will serve as a reminder to people that their actions, inaction, words and deeds carry power to someone. They can build people up or ultimately break them down. They can break spirits when thrown about carelessly.
I don't want to be careless with the words that I write. God help me not set out to hurt or destroy as I have been. I really want to be able to forgive those who have hurt me. I don't want to forgive for the sake of those people, but for my own sake. Bitterness and hurt feelings is no comfort to me and it is of no consequence to those that I hold the feelings towards. If they cared about that sort of thing then they would not have acted as they have.