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I couldn't stop feeling strange the other night. No matter how much I wrote, or meditated or distracted myself, I couldn't feel better. I felt angry at nothing. Just felt entirely angry. When I went to bed, I started to slip into a panic attack. I can't speak when I'm having an anxiety or panic attack. This is frustrating for people around me who want to know what's happening.
My boyfriend slipped into bed and asked me whether I was feeling OK. I moaned, and I think he assumed that meant I was sleeping. A few minutes passed and then I felt him masturbating beside me. I felt immediately horrified and offended (even though, on a good night I wouldn't mind much).
I left the room. I wanted to trash everything in my way but I just went to the livingroom and pulled the covers up over my head. I didn't want to get angry at him. Everything in my head was mixed up and I felt like I couldn't trust him. I felt that I had trusted so many people before and they had all taken advantage of my trust. He sat down beside me and asked me if I was OK. I felt stupid for just hiding under my covers, but I didnt want to look at him. When I'm having a panic attack I *hate* people looking at me. I feel so naked. I hate it but I hate to be alone too. He started rubbing my side to calm me and I flipped out. I kicked him and punched him. He said nothing.. but just stopped touching me.
It honestly felt liberating to fight him. With my CSA abuser I never said 'no' I never fought back. In that moment he was just another abuser to me. Kicking and punching him felt so right. Right sentiment, wrong person. He took it well, and waited by my side until I could speak again.
I never explained what happened. And I would be hard pressed to tell him exactly. What I was doing in bed during that panic attack was having vivid memories of my early teens. I was walking through the house where my abuse happened, I could see everything so clearly. My boyfriend beginning to masturbate at that point seemed like the most inappropriate possible scenario.
I had the worst twitches when I went back to bed. I kicked and curled up and twitched so violently. In my head I was struggling to differentiate my abuser and my boyfriend. They kept overlapping. That hasn't happened in a while. It used to happen almost every time I had sex.
My boyfriend slipped into bed and asked me whether I was feeling OK. I moaned, and I think he assumed that meant I was sleeping. A few minutes passed and then I felt him masturbating beside me. I felt immediately horrified and offended (even though, on a good night I wouldn't mind much).
I left the room. I wanted to trash everything in my way but I just went to the livingroom and pulled the covers up over my head. I didn't want to get angry at him. Everything in my head was mixed up and I felt like I couldn't trust him. I felt that I had trusted so many people before and they had all taken advantage of my trust. He sat down beside me and asked me if I was OK. I felt stupid for just hiding under my covers, but I didnt want to look at him. When I'm having a panic attack I *hate* people looking at me. I feel so naked. I hate it but I hate to be alone too. He started rubbing my side to calm me and I flipped out. I kicked him and punched him. He said nothing.. but just stopped touching me.
It honestly felt liberating to fight him. With my CSA abuser I never said 'no' I never fought back. In that moment he was just another abuser to me. Kicking and punching him felt so right. Right sentiment, wrong person. He took it well, and waited by my side until I could speak again.
I never explained what happened. And I would be hard pressed to tell him exactly. What I was doing in bed during that panic attack was having vivid memories of my early teens. I was walking through the house where my abuse happened, I could see everything so clearly. My boyfriend beginning to masturbate at that point seemed like the most inappropriate possible scenario.
I had the worst twitches when I went back to bed. I kicked and curled up and twitched so violently. In my head I was struggling to differentiate my abuser and my boyfriend. They kept overlapping. That hasn't happened in a while. It used to happen almost every time I had sex.
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Its actually quite strange how much I understand this. Although my bf wasn't doing that in bed I was hyper aware all the time because my ex would.
I think I was having a nightmare and he tried to wake me(new bf). I flipped out too and starting trying to fight him away.
There were a few items that unfortunately were on the recieving end of my anger too, like you say though there was something liberating about it.
This whole subject has been quite a difficult one for me, I know how horrible it can feel.
I'm sorry I haven't helped but I just wanted to let you kow you're not alone.
Take care
x
It is difficult to limit all of my anger and frustration to my therapy sessions. I guess it's inevitable that people you love get caught in the crossfire..