Why did I fail? (tw su/si)
I didn't just hate therapy. Thinking about going, being there and thinking about having been made me want to kill or at least mutilate myself. There are people here who talk about therapy being hard, and about not being able to say much, but they keep going anyway.
I couldn't stand going back after five sessions. I couldn't do it. Thinking about it, fearing it, consumed the first half of my week and hating myself for everything I said, almost all of which was innocuous, consumed the second half of my week. I lived in active terror and self-loathing for nine weeks. We had five sessions, she took a week of vacation in the middle, I took a week at the end, and then I skipped a week I returned out of fear before officially calling it over the week after that. I tried. I really really tried. I kept going back even though I wanted to die. I made my feet move into her office even though I would rather have torn my skin off my face. Maybe scratch 'rather', I wanted to do it in conjunction. I compelled myself to vomit out words of some kind because I didn't want to waste her time. I just don't understand why I can't find much of a trace of other people hating therapy this much elsewhere. I don't mean people talking about therapy being hard or scary or whatever, I mean hate, as in, there are few things worse on this planet that I can think of.
Now I have a block against trying again. I'd be wasting any therapist's time. I thought about cancelling every time because I was sure that I wouldn't be able to make words come out. And a lot of times I couldn't. I cancelled my session right after I got back from vacation because I knew that I would just sit there and waste her time. Why would I find another therapist? How stupid would that be? So I can go sit on an expensive couch and waste someone's time for an hour? The inevitable question of "why are you here if you don't want to talk?" can only be answered with "well, I guess I shouldn't be." And I can answer that question more effectively by just not going.