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It seems that everytime I go out to do stuff that it exhausts me and takes a day or two to recover. I hope it is not going to be like this forever.
I use to look forward to sleeping cuz it means no pain. Apparently the nose hose is helping me reach REM sleep for longer periods of time. Now I dread it cuz I am having nightly nightmares. Last night it was eating blood soaked snow. I actually could taste it. In the dream I spit it out and gagged then walked up a hill feeling disgust. Many of my safe places have been invaded. It is causing me so much anxiety that I have picked off calluses on my feet to the point of making them bleed.
I am just disgusting and weak for doing this.
I know that feelings are often not based on fact. I had therapy yesterday and came out of it feeling as if my T is getting rid of me. Cutting me loose and in the past I thought that it was due to the changes in medicaid. Now I am not sure.
She did not want me to make another appointment with her and is glad that the psychatric pratitioner nurse is seeing me and prescribing my antidepressant and my anti anxiety meds. I see her at the end of the month.
My I guess my ex T is also glad that I will continue to pursue DBT classes when the next section starts as well a pursuing peer counceling again. My T teaches DBT too and I asked her if I could join her classes. No she thinks that S is a better teacher and it is more advanced.
My T also told me after all I have been seeing her for three and half years. I feel now like I have over stayed my welcome. I am not healed yet and on top of that my depression and anxiety have risen due to the life threatening embolisms I had in my lungs. I feel like I have been kicked while down.
Yesterday afternoon my healthcare person was scheduled to come but when I got home my daughter asked me to cancel her cuz there is not anything for her to do. Since I was upset about what must be my last therapy session with my T I did cancel it.
There is plenty for my home health person to due. My daughter stated that all she could do on Monday is the kitchen. My daughter told me that all the laundry is done. That was a lie. I think my daughter does not want the home health care person to see what pigs my daughter and her boyfriend can be. I am afraid they are going back to the way they were when they lived with me before. They aren't there yet.
My daughter's boyfriend got his first paycheck from Subway. So he is working still. It is a good thing.
Today I am just angry and hurt. I do not know if these feelings are based on fact or not yet I feel them. I think in my head that no one gives a crap to what I want or need. Then I think wow am it selfish or what. I would not want to turn into my mother.
I am just confused.
Blessings to all