I watch shows like "How I met your mother" or "Big Bang Theory" and I feel so envious of those characters. I love their relationships that they have with each other. They may fight with each other, hurt each other, but they work it out and still have each other's backs. They are there for each other.
I've never had that. There were people that I talked to, but that is basically it. When I would try, I would start to obsess about how I acted, was I being too needy? Too boring? Too domineering? Too this, too that. I think on some levels I sabatoged myself. I became too concerned with how not to act, that I then started to act exactly how I didn't want to act.
Then, I have another thing....there are days I can't leave my home. I have to fight my agoraphobia. Sometimes I am victorious! Sometimes I'm not. I can't really explain it to some one who doesn't understand and who then thinks I'm being all needy and seeking attention. And to add a bit of spice to that mix, I have OCD. That is a every second battle that consists with continual dialogue of "You don't need to wash your hands that many time" "You don't have to use the bathroom that many times" "You don't have to...." By the time I get done with all of that, the day is over and I am tired and the other person has already texted to say that something has come up and maybe next time. Which of course means never.
It's ok, I accept it. It is what it is. To be honest, I often wonder how good a friend could I be? Maybe I'm just not meant to have friends. I geuss I can live with that. I am now wondering if this social ineptness can leak online? Oh well, like I said, it is what it is.
Today - I feel good.