Obsessed With the Man Who Raped Me.
One time on a visit back home. I did see him. And he saw me.. He stared at me... It was from a distance. But he was the guy I would hang with and talk to and laugh with around the block.. There where plenty of summer days/nights I spent hanging out with him on the block, cracking jokes, having a beer on the stoop... He always asked me to hook him up with a friend of mine or meet with him and his friends at the lounge or bowling or skating.
So he saw me and didn't say a word because I know in his heart and in his soul he knows he raped me. He brought me a drink.. NYC, you know things are different. A lady used to make drinks and sell the from her ground floor apartment window. He always used to tell me about them and tell me I should try them. That night we were supposed to be going out and hanging out with friends. But he bought a drink for me first and said we'd meet at his house. I met him dressed and ready to go. He handed me a drink, he had one too and that is all I remembered. I remember trying to sit up and open my eyes and I see glimpses of him with his face between my thighs. I remember feeling his hands all over me. I would wake for a moment, couldn't move, had no strength and would black out. I finally woke at it was 7:30am. We didn't go out. I didn't make it out. I asked him for a shirt, I told him, don't tell anyone about this and I left. I never spoke to him again. I was throwing up all day and had the headache of my life.
I didn't even realize what really happened until months later... He raped me and he had to have drugged me. I was scared, angry and confused. I trusted him. I liked him as a person. And now I am obsessed. I fond myself on facebook and instagram searching for him. We have mutual friends and I actually saw him on instagram. He has a baby now. A little girl. The same age as my son.. This was 2003 when he raped me and it's been 10 years now and I am OBSESSED... I want to post on his picture his true nature.. RAPIST.. I want him to acknowledge me and what he has done. But it's too late.
I found out he told some of the guys around the block that he slept with me. He raped me. I never consented to sex with him. I never would have. He was a sweet guy but had a nasty reputation as the guy with the monster (HIV/AIDS) I was terrified, paranoid, disgusted with myself for a long time until I decided to really think about what happened and I realized I didn't ask for this. I didn't desire him or want him in that way ever. I thought he was my friend.
And now I cant let it go. I am tired of hiding behind Anonymous, My name is CHRISTINA. I'm tired of people thinking I was fast, slutty or a hoe. I wasn't. I'm tired of protecting him. And I know its too late to do anything about it. I'm sad. I'm hurt and I'm still angry. I have anxiety attacks. I don't trust men. I'm married now and my husband suffers the consequences of me not dealing with my issues.
AM I ALONE? AM I CRAZY? IS THIS OBSESSION NORMAL? Please tell me someone else has felt the way I feel. Unfortunate but its the reality, their are more of us. This has happened to many of us. I'm just tired of being QUIET... MY SPIRIT YEARNS TO SCREAM OUT LOUD... I want him to feel the embarrassment, the shame and guilt I felt.. Its just the honest truth.