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Hanging in there

Posted by litakino , 07 November 2010 · 91 views

Still feeling very alone. I have lost a friend, and that sucks. I really needed a friend tonight that could have helped out...the one person who would have helped me tonight has abandoned me.

My car just died on the road. Driving along, everything's fine...then...BAM!...just turns off. Started to cry. Almost called or texted my ex bf...but thought better of it...he wouldn't have answered anyway. If we were still friends he would have helped if he was in the area...tried my one other friend...she couldn't help. A nice family finally stopped to help. Very grateful. Had the car towed home. Not sure what tomorrow will bring.

I feel lost and I am still trembling. I am glad that I was able to do this on my own, but I feel like I only have so much in reserve left. I want to feel self-sufficient but I need some support. Everybody needs support. Sitting in my car alone, looking at all the contacts in my cell phone and going down the list and not finding anyone who can help is depressing.

So I'm trying to stay calm. The best thing would be if I could get the car towed to the shop, have them look at it, and maybe get a forced day off of work. But I know my boss won't like that at all and she will probably offer to pick me up. I just am fed up. I am a good worker, I have hardly ever called in sick, in fact I don't remember when I ever called in sick, I have gone in while I am physically sick and even when my triggers have been very bad (sometimes in my job I am triggered very bad by some of the customers that get rather friendly, I work in a store, it's not too bad but sometimes handing people their change...I don't know, it's different stuff, hard to explain) and when I felt so bad and so alone...I needed a break but I couldn't take one b/c I'm one of two people who work in the store...not going to get Veteran's Day off, Christmas falls on a weekend so I won't get any time off for that holiday, or New Years...get a half a day off or so for Thanksgiving...I'm glad I'm a valued employee but I NEED A BREAK. I think I deserve one...but what are they going to do if I don't show up? I'm starting to not care though. Which is a bad sign. I need to clear my head. Be at home when nobody else is so I can clean up the clutter in the house and in my head. I think I deserve that. But nobody else seems to think so. I am so emotionally tired I just want to cry all the time. I am probably going to get a break the 1st weekend of December so I can go on a retreat but even that is not a given. It will be the first retreat I've gone on in like 15 years. I so need it. It's agonizing waiting for it though.

I got through tonight, though. Figured it out all by myself, which both feels good and also depressing at the same time.

You can make it. I have done the thing where you look at all the contacts and realize you can't count on any of them. If it doesn't risk your job take a day off. Everyone needs a break now and again. But I've had a boss like that so I know it can be hard.
I hope it gets better for you.

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