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Nicki *t-su*

Posted by one.day. , 01 September 2013 · 68 views

Hey Sis,
I just wanted to say I think of you every day and I do wish you were here. Thank you for letting me find your music book. I read it, I hope you don't mind but I even tried to play it on your guitar - admittedly in your jumper. I frightened my mum like mad, she thought I was you. Though I know you were looking down thinking that was funny.

The words, the songs, they were just beautiful. I wish I heard you play them. You know how rubbish I am at guitar. It was such a surprise, I'm sorry you saw me cry. I wanted you to know I was happy and I did hear you. It felt like you hugged me and spoke through the music.

Maybe you're seeing what's happening or maybe you're not. I'm fighting now, Sis. I want to give this life ago. I'm going to be honest, I was close to almost losing it again. I sat on the floor of my bathroom thinking through who would be there, would your dad have felt another win, what was it worth surviving our time together, why? I couldn't think of any answers. I felt driven it was the right thing to do. Then I thought about you. Cliched again - but you saved me.

I rang a hotline, I flushed everything, I binned everything I thought looked 'dangerous'. This was hard at the time, sis. I felt like every object, thought, memory was driving me to it. I felt alone. All I could think about was me. Me me selfish me. I felt like a failure, no way out, no where to go, just stuck, not getting out of the past, feeling hated and ashamed. I hated myself.

So finding your things, I felt like you knew. You wanted me to have them. It was a blessing in such a dark place. You're making me see, life is worth living. I'm seeing things in a light, I haven't seen in years. I know I'm crying again but I'm okay. I actually am. I miss you Nics but I know you'll find me. I am down qnd you know that but at least I'm feeling that you've given me God knows how many chances to start again, so I must have a purpose or be part of a plan. Thank you so much sis.

April 2014

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