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Guest Message © 2013 DevFuse

memories are so real!

16 January 2013
Posted by tamz 
I'm sorry to blog so much, I'm trying desperately to cling on, to not self harm. I'm hoping by letting things out in a safe environment that I'll be able to fight this.

Why are bad memories so strong? This whole incident (something happened today) has triggered me really badly, the memories, they feel almost real, almost like I'm there, there at each of their funerals, there at Nan's funeral (started thinking about nan amongst all this), there being shouted at by J for being upset about things.

f*ck! what even happened with J? I don't even know! Was it even wrong what happened with him? I mean the sexual stuff. I mean, we were together right, that's what bf and gf do, they have sex. I told him no, that I didn't want to, but he did it anyway. And I let him. I could've left, I could've walked out. I was scared of him leaving me so I just let him do it even after saying no and fighting back the tears throughout the whole thing, but I just led there and let him carry on. I could have just f*cking left! I don't know why I didn't just do that! Did he even do anything wrong? I don't even know any more! When I used to speak to a counsellor she said that he *did* do something wrong, but what?? I fucking let him, so what did he even do??

Do you ever just reach that point where you're upset about stuff and then you just feel nothing, you just feel completely numb? Cos that's how I feel right now!

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3 Comments On This Entry

Ya, I've been there. I've gone through whole days just not feeling any emotions. It's a weird feeling.
And yes, what happened to you with J was r. You said no, and he did it anyway. Nothing else matters. Boyfriends are not supposed to force themselves on their girlfriends, and a no is always a no, no matter what. You didn't ask for it, you didn't cause it, and you didn't do anything wrong. All of us can act bizzarrely in extreme situations --- I know I have :( .

Stay strong :) . You're doing the right thing by postnig here instead of hurting yourself. Keep it up!
Tillit, 16 January 2013 - 05:18 PM
But, sometimes I did stuff back, just cos I was scared of him leaving me, he used to argue you with me something chronic if I wouldn't do it. He used to say that i was obviously getting it from somewhere even though I wasn't, that I didn't love him if I didnt do. So sometimes I'd do it, other times I'd just lie there. Sometimes he'd ask if I was okay (we had problems and it hurt and he said i had to at least try) so he'd ask if i was okay even though the tears were running down my face, and id say i was fine, because i was scared of saying i wanted him to get the f out. Surely if I tell him Im okay, if I just lie there, if I do stuff back, it's not r? :S It's all so confusing, please help me :(
tamz, 16 January 2013 - 05:36 PM
this man manipulated you for sex..ive been there. You can sit there and think you could have said no or you couldve walked away or made him leave but he made you terrified to say no. which is not your fault what so ever!!! remember its not your fault
bellaroo, 16 January 2013 - 06:08 PM
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content warning

I will try to keep any reference to specific SI behaviour to a minimum however reference to the assault will not always be censored. I don't want to trigger anyone so just want you to be warned. Most of the time it will be okay but just so you are aware. Take gentle care.

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