Exploring transference issues with my T- the 'rules' I need to change
Why did I wait until I had left T on Thursday to break down? Because I have created 'rules'. She wouldn't give me any when I asked what the 'rules' were, so I made them. What are they?
I must not show honest emotion. She does not want to deal with my emotions, specifically anger and crying.
Why have I created this rule?
a) transference (mum, dad, HIM?)
b) therapeutic window
How is this rule hindering me? It is stopping me be honest with her in 'real time'. Therefore it is slowing my acceptance. Last week- I shut down as I brought my barrier down. I desperately needed to cry. I wouldn't. I waited until I was in the car, I deconstructed my barrier, and then I cried.
Ok - new rule.
It is ok to show my T when I am angry, to cry in front of her. I know she won't comfort me. (Ah- memories of mum? Is that why I can't show her? Fear of rejection? Ok - fear of being too demanding- too clingy. She will 'shut off' from me. Tell me she can't help me. That I am on my own?)
But she will witness AND respond to my emotion.
I have to get 'it' right. I have to please her. I have to say what I think she wants me to say otherwise she will give up on me.
Ok. This is irrational. I can CBT this.
It is ok to say honestly my thoughts and feelings and memories. I do not need to constantly worry I am getting 'it' wrong. (What is 'it' anyway?). My T has shown no sign of giving up on me. Why would she abandon me now? At such a pivotal point that we have worked so hard together to get to?
If I can't contact her, can't see her, I can't cope.
Another irrational one - CBT it Mand.
I have coped all my life. She is helping me, but I have proved over and over that I can and will cope without her. It is alright to need her at the moment, but becoming independent from her is key to success. This is what we are working towards.