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Code of Conduct

Posted by bellachai , 13 October 2013 · 188 views

I have always maintained a code of conduct for myself for living my life and erroneously believed by following it would mean I would live happily ever after. A bizarre Cinderella complex I think.

Here they are my useless rules that I still blindly follow:

*Treat others how I would like to be treated.

*Never knowingly cause harm.

*Don't make promises I can't keep and keep the promises I do make.

*When someone calls then it is my turn to call them next (excluding my mother as I have to do all the calling I would be mummified by the time she got around to calling me)

*Kindness does count.

*Give others the benefit of the doubt.

*Everyone deserves a second chance.

*Try to see other's perspective.

*Hate the sin not the person (exception pediphiles and rapists because they are not people).

*Don't judge or condemn anyone (exception pediphiles and rapists because they are not people).

*Think before speaking

*Never ever assume anything (I fail at this over and over again but it still is a rule).

*If I do not have anything good to say then say nothing.

*Stay out of harm's way.

*Mind my own business.

*Remain calm, cool and collected until no one can see me then go ahead and fall apart.

*Courtesy and manners do count.

*Observe and listen

*Do not throw caution to the wind.

*come to any encounter with a gift even if the only gift I am able to give is a smile.

*See the good things first.

If someone were to ask me how these rules work out for me I would have to say honestly not very well actually.

Blessings to all here

Oct 13 2013 06:08 PM
You are a good person and you do your best to treat other people right... Unfortunately in my own experience that doesn't always guarantee that others will treat you the same way. They are not always following the same code of conduct, but instead following their own or no code at all. I can relate to naievely thinking that things will turn out "right" in life if you behave a given way, or do the right things, or whatever else... and I can relate to your disappointment... and I'm sorry you find yourself in this place.
I relate to this, but mine was slightly different. I'm going to say mine in case it resonates at all.

I knew that in theory I had to be 'sorted' first, then my relationships, specifically my marriage and then all the 'minutiae' of life - shopping, cleaning, diet, exercise. Sort of a pyramid, with me at the top.

But instead of starting with 'me' I desperately tried to find a way of sorting all the little things. I thought that if I got that all right, then I could sort my marriage and then somehow me (although I still didn't know anything was specifically 'wrong' with me then). Somehow that enough sorted 'little things' would add up to a life 'well lived'. When my marriage started to fall apart I hastily started to concentrate on that and even as I scrabbled around trying to find a way of keeping it together, a small voice was saying 'this is still wrong - you should be working on YOURSELF'.

Finally I confronted CSA and finally started working on ME and gave up all of the bits at the bottom of the pyramid and it turns out that they get done anyway if I'm ok.

I'm sorry about the essay. I know it's all about me. But I wanted to say that I heard you and I (think I) understand. What I understand is that all of those things you mention are great and laudable, but they don't matter so much as YOU BEING YOU.

YOU are the most important person. YOU being ok is the most important thing. Because if YOU are YOU then all of these things will just follow on naturally. You are naturally kind, compassionate, generous, caring, helpful, committed. You don't need to follow a list of rules, you just need to be YOU.

And I'm so sorry that what was done to you has got in the way of that, made it harder for you just to be.

I don't know if any of that makes sense. Ignore if unhelpful.
Oct 14 2013 08:50 AM
I think most of the things you listed make sense, and are good rules to live by. They are rules I go by too. The thing you have to be careful about is to not take them to extremes. For example, being kind to others does not mean you cannot get angry with another person if they do you wrong (for me for example, I feel badly for getting angry at them, because it feels so harsh to me, and therefore I feel I am being unkind - but at that point that is somewhat distorted thinking, and I have to not let that get in the way of me standing up for myself. As long as I am respectful while expressing my anger, it is ok and not unkind - just me expressing what I cannot accept and what I need).

I don't think there is anything wrong with those rules in general, I think what you need to add to it is that you expect the same treatment from others towards you. You have to have rules about what you expect from others/what you will allow. So, this means, they treat you with respect as well, they are to be kind to you as well, they are to keep their promises as well and not promise what they can't keep, etc.

I hope this makes sense to you and that it helps.

August 2015

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