Pandora's Aquarium: my chat with the RAINN Lady - Pandora's Aquarium

Angelina has joined the chat.

Waiting for Anonymous to click 'Go Chat'...

Anonymous has joined the chat.

Angelina: Hello, how may I help you?

Anonymous: HI

Anonymous: I am just having a hard day

Anonymous: i am going thru physical theraphy and talk theraphy for rapes i went thru as a kid, and i had physical theraphy yesterday and couldnt sleep last night because of night mares

Angelina: Hi, I'm sorry, that all sounds very difficult. Before we go any further I would like to check in about some safety and privacy concerns. Would that be alright?

Anonymous: The physical theraphy is to work on scar tissue that got torn inside of me when i was raped in elementary school, im not 30

Anonymous: ok

Angelina: I'm very sorry to hear that. It must be very hard for you to deal with those issues.

Angelina: Just in case you get disconnected for any reason, I encourage you to go back to the waiting room to be reconnected - or you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). Are you in a safe place right now?

Anonymous: yes i am

Angelina: Ok, If you are worried that someone may be monitoring your computer use, I suggest you find a safer computer or use the phone instead. Do you have any questions or concerns about computer safety or privacy issues?

Anonymous: no i dont, and i am not worried anyone is monitoring this

Angelina: Ok, good. Thank you for reviewing this safety and privacy information. If you have other questions or concerns please let me know at any time. But now, would you like to continue to talk about these issues?

Anonymous: yes

Anonymous: i cant stop crying....when i do the phsyical theraphy

Anonymous: the lady had to work with the scar tissue inside of me that got torn and it kills me to think that someone would be able to rip open a little girl like that and then i get even sadder because it was me who was the little girl

Angelina: I can only imagine how upsetting it must all be...

Anonymous: and after i leave i fel the scar tissue pulsate and its an odd feeling

Anonymous: i had always just dont talk theraphy and not because of pain with sex they sent me to the physical therapist

Angelina: You seem like a very strong person to be able to go through all this.

Anonymous: thanks i try to be

Anonymous: but everytime i go to physical theraphy i emotional shut down....yesterday i had it and i slept the whole day...and today i can still feel it so its making me cry.

Angelina: That's great that you try to be strong. I admire that. It must be so difficult for you to think of the things that have happened to you, and to go through the painful recovery of it all.

Anonymous: its terrible

Angelina: It's okay to cry. Crying lets out so many emotions we are feeling, even if we don't know exactly what those emotions are.

Anonymous: i got molested by my real father from 3 until i was 8 and then i started getting raped by him from 8 until 10 or 11...it stopped for a bit by my dad from 11-13 he stoped when he got a girlfriend but I still got raped by 2 stanges at 13 and then my father started raping me again from 14-15

Anonymous: i can never explain why i am crying

Anonymous: it just overwhelms me....now that my friends are moms and i am older (30) and i am upset with my mom for not realizing when i was bleeding at 8 & 9 it wasnt my period. i felt my whole life neglected

Angelina: You didn't deserve for those things to happen to you. No one does. Especially not a child from her father.

Angelina: I can understand why you would be upset with you mom. I believe that many people would be if they were in your position.

Anonymous: she told me if I try to bring charges angist him she will cut me off financially and kick me out of her house

Angelina: It must be very upsetting to know that your mother could have helped you if she only didn't ignore the situation.

Angelina: What do you want to do?

Anonymous: I have Crohns now and an on disablility and moved hom after canceling a wedding and to have my mom say she doesnt support me fighting him in court upsets me

Anonymous: I would love to bring charges against him but i cant do it with out help

Angelina: I'm sure that is all very upsetting to hear from your mother. You are her child, and she should support you.

Anonymous: laws changed in my state years ago i wouldnt have been able to because by the time i told my family the statue of limitations was passed but since 2004 the laws have changed.

Angelina: No matter how old you are, or what you do. Especially in this situation.

Anonymous: but i have no support

Angelina: Okay, so it's too late to press charges in your state?

Anonymous: i mean doctors yes

Anonymous: no they changed the law because of all the catholic priets

Anonymous: i can press charges if i wanted to

Anonymous: i need friends and family or someone for support if i press charges

Anonymous: all i worry about is that my dad is doing this to his new wifes gradnchildren because pedopiles never stop

Angelina: ok i see. I think that if you feel like you want to press charges, you should do it. You have every right to press charges, and it could help you pass this difficult time in your life.

Angelina: You're right. I am worried about that also. So, you pressing charges could be you protecting their lives.

Anonymous: yeah i mean he did this to his own sisters and his daughters so i dont know what would stop him

Anonymous: but if my mother cant support me going after her ex husband i am going to feel cold alone in the rain.

Angelina: You should do what you think is best for you, what your gut feeling tells you is right.

Anonymous: i have to depend on my parents for housing and bills for al l my doctor appointments

Angelina: You dont have to feel alone. There are people out there that can help you. I can help you find people that will help you and support you.

Anonymous: i would love to stay FUCK it and press charges....but i really dont wan to risk losing the only family i have left

Angelina: I can definitely understand that.

Anonymous: even tho they dont support me they way family should

Anonymous: my mom doesnt even want me going to physical theraphy

Angelina: I agree, family is a very important thing to have in your life. Even if they don't support you or treat you the way that they should. Everyone needs family.

Anonymous: she doesnt understand howi it can be a problem now...the theraphist i go was shocked i was even attempting to have sex with how much pain i was in with the extensive amoiunt of scar tissue

Anonymous: i have some friends but no one wants to hear about this

Angelina: Do any of your friends know about this?

Anonymous: yes and no....some know i have been raped but not to the extent or what I am going thru

Angelina: I see.

Angelina: If it helps, maybe you could try and open up to the friend that you trust most, and tell them everything you have told me. I don't think your friends wouldn't want to hear it. Friends are there for support.

Anonymous: i have started opening up to a new guy in my life

Anonymous: he was abused as a kid to so he understands more than even my girlfriends

Anonymous: s

Anonymous: no severly as me but he was abused

Angelina: That's great that you have found someone to open up to and relate to.

Anonymous: yeah but i dont want to open up to much because i al always worried men wil hurt me

Angelina: How does it make you feel to be able to relate to another person about that?

Anonymous: my did so what makes anyone else different from disappointment

Anonymous: I love that we can relate

Anonymous: i talk to him about physical theraphy

Anonymous: he helps me with the breathing and stops having sex with me if tense up and beathres with me until i relaz and enjoy it

Anonymous: relax*

Anonymous: right now he is the only one i really want to open up to becuase he kind of understands

Anonymous: but its so new I dont want to scare him away althought the first day i meet him was the same say he asked me out and i told him that day i had a history of rape and was doing physical theraphy for it and that didnt scare him off so i guess i may be good

Angelina: Thats good that he is understanding.

Anonymous: way more understanding that I thought a man could actually ever be

Angelina: There are good men out there :)/>

Anonymous: he wants me to press charges on my dad

Anonymous: says he would stand by me if I did

Angelina: It's great that he is supportive of that.

Angelina: You will need a lot of support while you are going through it, if that's what you choose to do.

Anonymous: he is the only person that has said that about standing by me if i did

Anonymous: my whole family cant even do that

Angelina: He must really care about you.

Angelina: I'm glad that you have someone who is supporting you.

Anonymous: I think he does.....I just wish that it wasnt so taboo to talk about this kind of stuff even with friends

Angelina: You're right

Angelina: It is hard to bring up private things to our friends. We may feel ashamed..scared..

Anonymous: i did a post on my Pandora's box account, Pandy's.org

Angelina: Afraid they may judge us.

Angelina: What was your post?

Anonymous: i am more sacred that people will judge me since its my father who raped em

Anonymous: i started a new blog about my Vaginal Rejuvination theraphy....going to do an entry each month, only completed one month so far

Anonymous: i was hoping maybe someone on there might have gone thru that theraphy and undestands

Angelina: thats a great idea. I like how you are in touch with your emotions. You seem to have a pretty healthy way of dealing with you emotions.

Anonymous: i ahve been in theraphy since i was 13...i have everthing in my tool box...i wanna go to law school to put those scum bags behind bars

Anonymous: already tool the LSAT for law school, just need to figure out how to afford it

Angelina: Talking about that stuff is really good, whether someone sees it or not, writing it out can help a lot. Also, if you do meet someone who has gone through the same thing, it would help an extraordinary amount to know that you arent alone in what you are going through.

Anonymous: yeah knowing my guy understands helps i think....i woke up one morning with a nightmare and he was so sensitive

Anonymous: i tried to leave the room to deal with it on my own and he made stay in bed with him telling me im not alone and dont have to bear it alone

Angelina: great job! you seem like you really know what you want to do with your life. i greatly admire that. youre incredibly strong.

Anonymous: THank you

Angelina: He sounds like a great guy. Very supportive.

Anonymous: And i appreciate you letting me talk

Anonymous: i was crying so hard because my insides were pulsing i couldnt stop and i feel more relaxed now

Anonymous: i forget that my new man is actually one of the good ones

Anonymous: i just wish my life now was defined still by tragedy that happened as a kid

Angelina: of course, thats what i'm here for. :)/>

Anonymous: THanks Angelina ( or what ever your actual name is :-)

Angelina: i understand why you feel that way. i think anyone who is going through what you are going through would feel like their life is being defined by the tragedy as well. no one wants that...and i'm sorry that you have to go through it. but, you seem to be making progress. you have a great, supportive male by your side, you may want to press charges, you have plans for you future. i think that if you do decide to go through with pressing charges, it could be a huge stepping stone in your life. something like that, bringing him to justice, could symbolize a lot for you and could possibly progress your recovery with the past.

Angelina: youre welcome ;)/>

Angelina: i'm glad you feel more relaxed now.

Anonymous: THanks