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2nd therapy appointment. disaster.

Posted by r_tyler , in Therapy 25 July 2013 · 111 views

I went to therapy yesterday for the second time even though I didn't think I could go back and now I really think I can't go back. Therapy is not a safe place. It is an awful place. I can't talk. I can't breath. I can't hide. She didn't even ask anything remotely difficult. I just didn't know what to say. The mere fact of focus on me is too much. I hoped that bringing my boyfriend would deflect some of that feeling, but it hasn't.
She said the first couple of appointments can be really hard. All of my answers are wrong and weird an not what she expected. Maybe she thinks I am making the depression and anxiety up. She doesn't get right anything i say and i can't explain it to her, even when I manage to speak. She assigned me a book that seems to me to just say, 'get over it.'
My boyfriend got frustrated with me that I shut down after. He's very active and doesn't like to lie around a lot. I didn't know what I wanted to do, except nothing. I'm dragging him down with me.I want to break up with him so I don't have to worry about that. And so no one will tell me I should go to therapy.
I think I'll just stay in bed tonight and read the anxiety book. It just says, 'stop being anxious, idiot!' But I am stupid. So what's the harm in letting it tell me that too? I can't feel worse. And if I can, so what?

I am sorry that the second session was so difficult for you. The first couple of months were very hard for me too. If you can hang in there it does get easier.
This all sounds so hard. Can you tell your T this? Possibly write it down? And tell her that the 'just get over it' approach feels shaming and invalidating for you (if that's what it is).

It may help her understand more where you're coming from.

Sorry your bf doesn't quite understand - this is difficult and a common issue. Please keep speaking to him and telling him what you need from him.
Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. I made my T a really badly drawn comic strip today because I don't even have good words, just half metaphors. I don't know if I can give it to her though. I'm also having trouble living between sessions. I did this last week too, but I feel like I just drift in stasis between the time I talk to her and the time I have to talk to her next because I worry about it constantly. I dont know if that even makes sense. She's on vacation for a week so I wont see her for two, so maybe the feeling will go away.
It's good to know that other people don't jump into T right away too. Sort of. I don't want to do this for months, but at least I'm not weird. My T seemed confused that I was even more nervous the second session, like it was weird. She said that usually means that something didn't go well the first session, but I thought it was okay-ish.
Anyway, thank you both for reading.
I was running over curbs, dissociating, and completely foggy the first few times I went to counseling. It's really hard, but so worth it. You eventually learn to relax, and it can become a place that you want to go when life is to hard because it's a safe place. You will not feel this way forever. I've been in counseling for probably 15 years, and still removing childhood debris. The good thing is it's kind of like exercise. The first few weeks of going to the gym you have pain, and think you will never be able to do it. Then eventually that workout becomes easy, and you stick with it a while, maintaining your strength. Then when you are ready you advance your workout....The pain isn't as bad as the first day you step foot into the gym, but you notice it's a little harder than the original workout. Eventually it becomes easier as well. Then depending upon YOUR individual goal, you tailor the workout to meet your needs. Counseling is similar to this. It's completely normal to be scared, and have these emotions. I remember it very well. I now see these emotions on the faces of new people in group therapy or workshops, but then I see those emotions relax as time goes on. We each have different journeys at different paces. I personally think you did GREAT by making a choice to give it a try. I imagine the therapist was evaluating herself, and wondering what she didn't do to help make the first visit welcoming. It's not you at all.

Take care, and remember how much strength you have to do this. IT's VERY VERY HARD in the beginning, and you are an extremely brave soul.
I would suggest a book called The Power of Now. That gives useful techniques and also provides a different way of looking at life that I found very helpful.

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