What the f***! I am seriously not knowing WHO and WHAT to believe at times with my f***** father's side of the family. Ever since my grandpa passed in April, it has been NONSTOP court battles with my dad, who brings in my lovely brother and his second eldest sister and her husband, and his eldest sister and her daughter and husband. I feel GUILTY and EVERY EMOTIONS because a.) my dad's eldest sister and her niece are the ones who know what my brother did to me for years; b.) I actually find it ODD that when my dad relapsed with drinking, my aunt but mostly her daughter were the ones who told me flat out that I DO NOT have to put up with the b.s. that comes from an alcoholic. I am just SICK of this crap! I seriously have said to my mom, who acts like she has never "seen" the abuse or when I tell her that her ex-husband and son were abusive to me for years, she acts like I am either lying, exaggerating or will NOT PUT UP WITH IT! I seriously get so stressed and worried and just feel alone because of this history of CRAP! I am realizing that I feel more like a stranger with family than actual strangers. Even on my mom's side, who clearly know what is up to an extent because I CHOOSE not to talk to my so-called loving brother, makes me feel like CRAP because whenever the holidays come they ask how my brother is and where is he and when I say that I do not talk to him, I almost feel GUILTY like I SHOULD BE THE ONE who deserves to rot or something. I am starting to get scared because I have been having dreams with references to my dad and especially brother (plus, mail came to the house for my brother this week twice and that has not happened for quite some time). I want to seriously leave this family and start my own (blood does not have to be family because friends can too). I wish I was able to bring them ALL into a room and just tell each and every one of them OFF like to my dad that he is DRUNK, BIPOLAR AND SHOULD go off to his own drama island with his perfect son who put me through HELL. I am just more upset because I have trust issues and feel alone a lot and only seem content when I write (usually about things I went through). I am so looking forward to being able to give them the bird one day. I just needed to rant. I cannot do this crap anymore. I am just focusing on my stuff and giving the finger to these people, who yes may have been here for me at times; but like a minute ago, my dad's eldest sister whom I texted about getting a loan that I lent to her over two years ago back, texted me back that she has been packing and whatnot and I did NOT ASK WHY BUT FIGURED WHY and she puts that she thinks my dad wants to move into the house, my grandpa's house that they have been fighting over which gets weird since a.) my dad's eldest sister, her daughter and husband have lived in for ten years due to taking care of my grandpa and b.) they kicked out my dad when he started drinking again and that is when my dad got real disgusting and cruel to me, even trying to attack me a week after my grandpa died and I am crying now because I am just so ashamed and feel confused. I should be able to trust and feel safe; but I never fully do. I thought this crap was to only happen in movies/TV but nope. It does happen in real life and it sucks. I never feel like I have anyone to talk to because a.) I get judged; b.) I have had some friends tell me to just get over it (when they only know half of the story). Jeez! I know that I have problems and everything and even feel at fault too for what had happened between me and my brother. I am seeing a therapist and she even said that these feelings are normal since I am now in a less "toxic environment" but it just would be nice to be able to tell someone else what has been on my mind for YEARS because I feel alone. I mean I like having more time to myself, mainly to write, since I always feel odd lately out with friends. I just want this to stop. I know that once I am able to move out and support myself FINANCIALLY, I will rarely see my family. Sorry guys but just hold everything in and need to get it out somewhere or I feel probably snap at the wrong person.