Day 131: Fear, I mean, Four Days to Next ObGyn Appointment
In light of my recent reactions to doctor appointments, I decided I'll write my list of fears, in order to give myself a few days to think about it, hear from others, and work on my plan. On the up side, this will be a talk only appointment. On the down side it will be at a new location. I'm not sure if that will be a bother.
About the test results:
- Bad news in my test results.
- Nothing found in my test results.
- Inconclusive test results, meaning I have to have more testing.
- Any of those things can happen. By pure odds alone, at least one of them is likely to happen. It's also possible the test results will clearly reveal something treatable. I am hoping for that.
- If the results indicate something bad, I guess I will deal with that as I have always dealt with suffering.
- If everything comes back normal I will struggle with the shame of seeking care when I didn't needed it. My mom will be proven right. My fear will be proven entirely imagined. It will be devastating. This is the worst possible outcome.
- If the tests are inconclusive, I will be dismayed and worried. I will feel resistant to taking the next step and facing this anxiety all over again.
- I could have a panic attack.
- I could dissociate.
- My sense is that neither of these is terribly likely because she won't be touching me this time. Still, I have enough fear yet that these things remain possible.
- If she asks whether anything new is going on with me. If she asks how I'm doing. Will I tell her about my neck/shoulder/wrist?
- If she wants to examine me again at an upcoming appointment.
- I don't want to be challenged about the approach I'm taking to dealing with the pain in my left arm. I know I'm taking a very slow approach, but it's all I can handle right now. I'm more worried about how I would feel talking about it because at the moment the treatment is more about helping me feel my emotions than helping fix the pain I'm feeling in my arm. I guess I feel ashamed about my emotional issues standing in the way of taking care of a problem, and the fact that I am living with a good deal of physical pain because of it. Not to mention the fact that it could get worse because of the delay.
- At some point she'll need to examine me again, but probably not until after I've been receiving treatment for a certain amount of time. She'll need to see if the treatment is working. Additionally, I know having her examine me again will be another healing step. My T has recommended more exposure in a systematic way, to desensitize me.
Of note: I am less afraid this time than last time.