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*tw* I truly hate myself

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 01 May 2014 · 110 views

Hurray. Another great moment of enlightenment.

I really, really, really passionately hate myself. Sometimes, most of the time, I leave 'me' a dark empty shell unvisited, but oh, when you come crashing back and get stuck with me for any sliver of time. Empty, hateful, pointless and deluded. That's who I am.

So glad I took the time to stand in front of the mirror and truly look.

Aghast actually, that I'm inflicting this for over an hour a week on an innocent bystander unlucky enough to get me referred to him and worse still, that I had the gall to marry someone and bring this gangrene to his home. It's a good job I've isolated myself from as many humans as possible, preventing the spread of contamination.

Bile, phlegm, blood and black eye-hollows, that's what horrid little girls are made of, and oh the effort to turn thoughts to rosier hues.

I hate myself. So, obviously, did the guys who hurt me. How not to conclude that the ones that are nice aren't the fools?



Now step back. Now breath. Now breath again. Do you trust that your husband is an intelligent man with his own free will to make his own judgments about you? Do you trust the judgement of your friend who has supported you IRL?

I will leave you to think about this.

You are worthy. You are a survivor. It was not YOUR fault.

Take gentle care

Mand
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intrepidshe
May 01 2014 10:28 PM

Amen to what Mand said. You are a gift and a miracle. You are to be treasured and loved.

Hi, both,

Honestly didn't expect an answer, just wanted to be brave enough to record the lows as well as the highs, even when they leave me quite ashamed.

Hmmmm..... So I guess this is probably not one of those things I leave parked in my car outside T appointment while I talk about the things I call 'more important', huh?

Read a thread yesterday where someone in trauma therapy was getting similar reactions, so it at least feels less weird, but did manage to leave myself completely during that rage. Very unsettling to be back in my body now - but at least I have Mand's advice on dissociation to help with the freak out.

Hurray for the morning. Hurray for the weekend. Hurray for the small things. Hurray for you. :)

Q
((((And hurrah for Q))))
That rhymes! :)

Gentle care as you work through this....sometimes our reality is brutal....the memories etc....

As was already said, it was not your fault....you do not have to believe what you were told....or whatever 'warfare' was waged upon you....I know it is hard to accept that we do not have to believe it is true when we heard for years the negative triggers etc.

 

I feel, at this moment, your pain...hope that does not sound weird....but I share in it.

my heart aches for you...as I too have sometimes felt so unworthy and struggle with it daily....

 

sitting on the same bus...

cas

Hi, Cas,

Sorry you didn't manage to catch the earlier one. Not quite sure where this bus goes to, or what happens if you don't have the strength to stay on. But understanding is granting me peacefulness and that's really valuable right now.

Maybe self-hating me is the fool, but yes, hard to believe. would be nice, though, so I'll keep re-reading the well wishes, avoid that blasted mirror for a bit and keep with the breathing.

Q
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yarnfoolishness
May 02 2014 11:32 AM

I think Mand's response to you was so spot-on.  :metoyou:

 

I think that sometimes our eyes don't see right.  Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to focus, we just can't see clearly.  It's like trying to get a sense of what a person really looks like if all you can see is the reflection from a funhouse mirror.

 

Keep breathing. 

 

:candle:

It was hard to read this because I feel that self hate so much too. You are able to describe it so much better than I can. I wish I had advice. I know joe you feel.
Nebulas, sorry if that was a problem for you. I didn't mean to hurt, but I needed to be true and honest. Spent so long only looking at what I allowed myself to look at, I agree with Yam, I've probably swung too far the other way.

Feelings and the rational aren't the same thing, I guess. But today is brighter, so deep breaths all round...

December 2014

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