Help
There are a lot of strong posts here that make sense. It took some time for me to understand, but it's true that you are not responsible for anyone else's actions. I did not report what happened, but it won't be up to me what he decides to do, ever. I hope no one else is hurt. I couldn't report him for various reasons such as no evidence, and that he was a stranger, but I am not in control of him.
Smiles!! =o)
:butterfly:/>
white0rchid
Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!
There is still plenty of time and spaces if you'd like to sign up for the Guest Speaker Chat scheduled for this Saturday!
There is still plenty of time and spaces if you'd like to sign up for the Guest Speaker Chat scheduled for this Saturday!
Welcome to Pandora's Aquarium, a rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivor message board and chat room.
If you've been a victim of any type of sexual violence, you belong here. What you see below represents just a fraction of the resources and survivor support available. Register now to join our community and take full advantage of what this online support group has to offer you as you heal and recover, or sign in to remove this message.
You are not alone, we can support you as you heal, and you've made an important step toward recovery by reaching out. If you are unable to register or have any questions, please contact the staff or view our home page.
You didn't report it... Are you responsible if he does it again?
#77
Posted 05 April 2010 - 02:43 PM
I think it comes down to what is best for you, every situation is different.
My RA insisted on taking me to the hospital.
I refused a rape exam, I knew from the beginning I would never prosecute it.
She also told me she was concerned about "this person being on campus with other people".
A few days later she asked me if I was just going to "let him get away with this".
I've heard a theory, no one ever regrets reporting a rape, I honestly think I would have.
There was no evidence, no bruises, no injuries, no witnesses. They could prove I had sex with my boyfriend and I was crying in the common room of my dorm afterwards, you can't convict someone on that.
I stayed in the relationship, I stayed quiet. Who knows what the fall out on small college campus would be if I had tried to leave him or if I had told.
My RA insisted on taking me to the hospital.
I refused a rape exam, I knew from the beginning I would never prosecute it.
She also told me she was concerned about "this person being on campus with other people".
A few days later she asked me if I was just going to "let him get away with this".
I've heard a theory, no one ever regrets reporting a rape, I honestly think I would have.
There was no evidence, no bruises, no injuries, no witnesses. They could prove I had sex with my boyfriend and I was crying in the common room of my dorm afterwards, you can't convict someone on that.
I stayed in the relationship, I stayed quiet. Who knows what the fall out on small college campus would be if I had tried to leave him or if I had told.
This post has been edited by serena: 05 April 2010 - 02:44 PM
#78
Posted 04 May 2010 - 09:04 AM
My partner had an Apprehended Violence Order and a sexual assault charge before he met me. The assault wasn't severe, so he got off with some good behavior bond and some counseling. In our relationship of almost 2 years, I've been raped on multiple occasions and even strangled, so I think there's some sort of escalation going on there. As someone who's on the end of being in a relationship with someone who had previous charges against him and who is now suffering the consequences of his actions towards me, I am of the opinion that reporting it is the right thing to do.
#79
Posted 23 July 2010 - 12:59 AM
I chose to not report. I did not tell anyone for months. I was terrified by the threats and humiliated. I felt like I should have known better than to be in that position. Because I work in the mental health field I felt like I should be able to "fix" it all. I had always been one of those people who lectured others about not reporting a crime. But after the horror of reporting my father, I knew that I could never go down that road again. I sometimes look back (It has been five and a half years) and wonder if things would have been different if I had reported them and what they did to me. But hindsight is 20/20, and on the whole I am glad that I didn't report it.
#80
Posted 17 August 2010 - 07:39 PM
This is my first post.....I'm nervous. I want to know if I tell anyone like a therapist does that mean that legally they have to report it to the police? i was a child, it was so long ago but I'm afraid if anyone found out I would have to go to the police
#81
Posted 17 August 2010 - 08:11 PM
My rapist used to taunt me for a few years after the initial event. He stopped about a year ago but just the other day he came into my workplace with a girl I've never seen before. Feelings of guilt and pain flooded through me. I couldn't help but feel that if he had already hurt her or was going to hurt her like he hurt me, that it was all my fault that I didn't stop him. I felt horrible. I started to realize, after talking to my best friend, that if there were girls before me that he did this to, I wouldn't blame them. How could I blame myself? It's really just your own feelings towards the situation. I regret not going to the police or doing anything about it. It was the day before my thirteenth birthday. I was young and afraid, I don't know how I have made it this far, but it gets easier. Don't feel guilty. As many posts have already said, he is responsible for his actions. Nothing you have done, or not done, could change that. peace and love, take care.
#82
Posted 21 August 2010 - 01:09 PM
annon, on 17 August 2010 - 07:39 PM, said:
This is my first post.....I'm nervous. I want to know if I tell anyone like a therapist does that mean that legally they have to report it to the police? i was a child, it was so long ago but I'm afraid if anyone found out I would have to go to the police
Annon, I am new here and am dealing with sexual assault inside the family for the second time in my life. First, it was my sister and I being molested by our stepfather; and now I am dealing with my own husband violating my oldest daughter. It is my understanding that if sexual assault is brought up to any doctor, officer, therapist, etc it MUST be brought to the authorities.
We are in a very tough situation, and are still struggling with how to handle it. We have been trying to sort it out within our immediate family, but I feel like my (ex) husband won't get the help he needs UNLESS he can speak with a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, that may be the nail in my family's coffin. The "system" really isn't concerned with rehabilitating offenders, only punishing them...
I hope that helps you :)/>
#83
- Formerly Heptet
- Group: Section Moderator
- Posts: 5,158
- Joined: 02-June 09
Posted 22 August 2010 - 11:06 AM
annon, on 17 August 2010 - 07:39 PM, said:
This is my first post.....I'm nervous. I want to know if I tell anyone like a therapist does that mean that legally they have to report it to the police? i was a child, it was so long ago but I'm afraid if anyone found out I would have to go to the police
Confidentiality is pretty strict within a therapy/doctor role. They will keep everything in the strictest confidence unless one of these things happen:
a) You have serious intent to hurt yourself
b) You have expressed a serious intent to hurt others
c) A minor is currently being abused
Everything else is in the strictest confidence. Going to the police is entirely up to you and a good therapist will not try to force reporting onto you.
#85
- What does not kill me makes me stronger.
- Group: Member
- Posts: 164
- Joined: 29-May 08
Posted 20 October 2010 - 09:59 AM
*Will possibly trigger*
I don't think anyone who didn't report it is responsible if their perp does it again.
I DID report it. Considering the contempt with which the police treated me, ultimately taking his side... I've come to see reporting as generally pretty useless. A lot of my friends who have reported assaults have had similar or even worse experiences with the law, especially those of us who are queer, transgender, disabled, and/or people of color...
Police only seem to take rape reports seriously when there is a) physical, identifiable evidence that the perp is who you say he is, and b) physical evidence of non-consent, such as a date rape drug being present in your system (they leave pretty fast), or signs of a struggle. That means you have to pretty much report a rape FIRST THING after it happens, and how many of us can realistically be expected to do that?
On the other hand a lot of rapes don't result in the kinds of evidence they require. There may not be signs of a struggle. There may not be genetic evidence. That definitely doesn't mean a rape didn't occur.
I think the penal and judicial system is at fault if my perp does it again. I think the culture of disbelief and victim-shaming is to blame if he does it again.
Most of all, I think my PERP is to blame if he does it again.
Not me. And I wouldn't be even if I hadn't reported him, because reporting was ultimately useless.
Disclaimer: Anyone who did have good experiences with the police or successfully got their perp behind bars, more power to you. I do realize that reporting is not useless to everyone.
I don't think anyone who didn't report it is responsible if their perp does it again.
I DID report it. Considering the contempt with which the police treated me, ultimately taking his side... I've come to see reporting as generally pretty useless. A lot of my friends who have reported assaults have had similar or even worse experiences with the law, especially those of us who are queer, transgender, disabled, and/or people of color...
Police only seem to take rape reports seriously when there is a) physical, identifiable evidence that the perp is who you say he is, and b) physical evidence of non-consent, such as a date rape drug being present in your system (they leave pretty fast), or signs of a struggle. That means you have to pretty much report a rape FIRST THING after it happens, and how many of us can realistically be expected to do that?
On the other hand a lot of rapes don't result in the kinds of evidence they require. There may not be signs of a struggle. There may not be genetic evidence. That definitely doesn't mean a rape didn't occur.
I think the penal and judicial system is at fault if my perp does it again. I think the culture of disbelief and victim-shaming is to blame if he does it again.
Most of all, I think my PERP is to blame if he does it again.
Not me. And I wouldn't be even if I hadn't reported him, because reporting was ultimately useless.
Disclaimer: Anyone who did have good experiences with the police or successfully got their perp behind bars, more power to you. I do realize that reporting is not useless to everyone.
#86
- Grrr
- Group: Member
- Posts: 2,580
- Joined: 24-January 10
Posted 21 December 2010 - 01:08 PM
I'm grateful for the fact that having amnesia for years after what happened meant I didn't have to decide whether to report it. Apart from the possible retraumatisation of that, I would have been terrified of repercussions.
Whether someone chooses to report or not is their decision. Only they can know what's best for them to do. No-one else has a right to make any judgement either way.
Whether someone chooses to report or not is their decision. Only they can know what's best for them to do. No-one else has a right to make any judgement either way.
#87
- Group: Member
- Posts: 393
- Joined: 12-December 10
Posted 15 January 2011 - 11:58 AM
' date=, on 06 November 2002 - 09:47 PM, said:
Nope, I didn't report him or prosecute or take any legal measures to prevent him from doing this to any other child or anyone else at all. I didn't, and yes I have felt my share of guilt, for surely the monster didn't stop. I remember wishing at the time that I could do something to be sure he never hurt anyone else...but I didn't. I ran....the first chance I had, I up and ran as far away as I could, I got the #### away.<p>HE is responsible for what he does though, and anyone who wants to judge my choices can go right ahead. No one has walked in my shoes. I did the best I could. That's how I feel about it.<p>((((hugs))))
Tasha
Tasha
I made a report when the stalking started. It was taken lightly, even though when I mentioned the abuser's name, they knew who he was immediately. The whole thing took me by surprise. They knew him, undoubtably by what he has done prior to me. It's a large city where he lives, so I was shocked, but somewhat validated when they knew who he was. Since then him and those who go along with him have been careful of the lines in the sand, they know how far they can go without getting caught. I've dealt with a lot of guilt, because of what the ex before me said about him and young/underage girls, how he basically exposed himself around them in front of her. The only thing that was said when I reported the stalking was "Oh, it's him again" so that pretty much validated a lot since he lives in a large city and they knew his name immediately. I, at one time wondered had I reported the assault if it would have changed anything. I didn't report the assault because he had already ripped my life apart with the assault, games, lies and I was really tired of trying to "prove" what I said. I have no doubt he has hurt others, but that is not within my control. After making the report, I came to the conclusion slowly, but surely that I needed to take care of myself. The PD where he lives knows what he does, and the responsibility for what he did after I tried to report it, lies with him and the PD.
#88
Posted 02 April 2011 - 11:51 PM
How can anyone blame you for not reporting it. I never reported what was happening to me. Who would believe my husband was raping me. I didn't believe it. Must be my fault right? He sure had me convinced. I stayed for 20 years and in the end he left for greener pastures doing me the biggest favor of my life!! Still trying to figure out who I hate more him or me!!!!!!!!!!!
#89
Posted 03 April 2011 - 11:24 AM
I'm struggling. I was raped last week by a new guy I had been seeing. I actually confronted him about it and he confirmed with humility that he forced himself on me. I'm devastated, heartbroken, scared, and it feels like a horse stomped on my chest. He didn't contact me for a few days and I kept getting flashbacks of how forceful and rough he was and I texted him about it. He said he was sorry and he'd email me and call me and he hasn't. I called him even though I shouldn't have and he didn't answer. He hit ignore and it just validated the miserable feelings. Like being emotionally raped all over again.
I guess I called because I so desperately want to get the trust and safe feeling back. I didn't see it coming. He was kind and emotionally open and everything that my ex before him that also raped me wasn't. We had a heart to heart over coffee two days after the incident when he admitted how he forcefully pushed himself on me and asked why I didn't stop him. I said I was scared and I said no and I resisted and I just froze when he persisted. He expressed his past that involved multiple arrests for violence and substance abuse. I guess the light went off then. I thought he was on the road to healing because of his infinite references to his spirituality and God, his openness and his honesty.
I saw a counselor the day after the rape and just lost it in her office and she asked me about pressing charges. I said I didn't want to call the police because I did last time and I just couldn't relive it. I actually just left a treatment center for an eating disorder and have been sober for 6 months. The eating disorder and substance abuse were how I dealt with the last rape. For two years I just drank my face off to suppress the feelings and the hurt. Right out of treatment I thought I met my knight in shining armour. Then a week and a half ago he raped me after I had several conversations with him about how important it was for me to wait to be intimate. I feel so violated.
I gave my phone to my mom for awhile and have chosen to never contact him again, I'm going back to my therapist next week and I just need some support. So heartbroken....
I'm not sure where to post. I guess a mod can move this where it's appropriate. I just needed to get it out.
I guess I called because I so desperately want to get the trust and safe feeling back. I didn't see it coming. He was kind and emotionally open and everything that my ex before him that also raped me wasn't. We had a heart to heart over coffee two days after the incident when he admitted how he forcefully pushed himself on me and asked why I didn't stop him. I said I was scared and I said no and I resisted and I just froze when he persisted. He expressed his past that involved multiple arrests for violence and substance abuse. I guess the light went off then. I thought he was on the road to healing because of his infinite references to his spirituality and God, his openness and his honesty.
I saw a counselor the day after the rape and just lost it in her office and she asked me about pressing charges. I said I didn't want to call the police because I did last time and I just couldn't relive it. I actually just left a treatment center for an eating disorder and have been sober for 6 months. The eating disorder and substance abuse were how I dealt with the last rape. For two years I just drank my face off to suppress the feelings and the hurt. Right out of treatment I thought I met my knight in shining armour. Then a week and a half ago he raped me after I had several conversations with him about how important it was for me to wait to be intimate. I feel so violated.
I gave my phone to my mom for awhile and have chosen to never contact him again, I'm going back to my therapist next week and I just need some support. So heartbroken....
I'm not sure where to post. I guess a mod can move this where it's appropriate. I just needed to get it out.
This post has been edited by Beautiful: 03 April 2011 - 11:31 AM
#90
Posted 03 April 2011 - 02:24 PM
I didn't report for three years. Oh but think of the paper trail he will have soon! If he does it again, his hand is already in the cookie jar and the lid will crush it. I feel slightly smug that I finally got the courage. But I didn't report at first because I was caught in the eye of the storm and taking care of my immediate needs were important at that time. You can wait, or you can immediately report. It's your CHOICE.
