But I know this.
I am just really depressed, and really struggling with wanting to be alive.
I did turn in my pills this morning. Dr K was there with me. And the nurse who took them is really nice.
I spent a little time with Dr K after, talking about how it felt to turn them in, and how I was feeling.
I told her how hard it was, and that somewhere inside of me I know it was the right thing to do, because I was planning on using them to kill myself.
But tonight I feel like I've lost something. Something of value. Something that kept me safe, in some kind of insane way.
I feel like I've lost my security blanket.
And I"m not sure how I am supposed to go about with anything in my life without that security blanket.
It's been a long day.
I'll write more, maybe tomorrow. It's part of my homework, and it would probably help to write more.
But for now, I need to just rest. Or sleep. Or something.