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so unsure....

Posted by missophelia , 01 November 2013 · 165 views

Right now, I am so unsure of a lot of how I feel.  
 
But I know this.
 
I am just really depressed, and really struggling with wanting to be alive.
 
I did turn in my pills this morning.  Dr K was there with me.  And the nurse who took them is really nice.
 
I spent a little time with Dr K after, talking about how it felt to turn them in, and how I was feeling. 
 
I told her how hard it was, and that somewhere inside of me I know it was the right thing to do, because I was planning on using them to kill myself.
 
But tonight I feel like I've lost something. Something of value. Something that kept me safe, in some kind of insane way.
 
I feel like I've lost my security blanket. 
 
And I"m not sure how I am supposed to go about with anything in my life without that security blanket.
 
It's been a long day.
 
I'll write more, maybe tomorrow.  It's part of my homework, and it would probably help to write more.
 
But for now, I need to just rest.  Or sleep.  Or something.



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Untangling-It-All
Nov 01 2013 07:31 PM

You did so well today. I know you really struggled with this. You took a very difficult step today, something that I know that at one point I could not have done myself. You did well, and I know it's hard right now. Just hang on and know that a part of you wants to live. A part of you wants to keep going. The part that wants to die doesn't really want to die, what it wants is for all the pain to just stop. You are in therapy to deal with the pain, to make it better, and you are here to get support for that pain as well. Things aren't going to get better overnight but they will get better. Hang on to the therapy and support you are getting here. You can do this :hug: :hug:

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missophelia
Nov 01 2013 07:39 PM

Thank you, Untangling.

 

Right now it is so hard for me to even see what I did today as a good thing, or that I did well in turning the pills in. 

 

I am trying to hang on.  It is so hard.  I don't think I can do this.

 

:hug:  :hug:

As bad as it feels right now, and trust me I know that it does, it is a positive step. I did it about a year ago. Felt the same way. But I came to realize that 1. All the hard work I have put in would be wasted if I carried through with those pills. 2. What really felt icky, when I got down to it, was that I didn't have them to hide behind anymore. Like somewhere in my mind I needed to know I had a fast and quick solution if the pain became to much and getting rid of those pills felt like there was no quick exit from the pain if I needed it. Scared the crap out of me. Am not saying this is the same for you but I know it took a ton of strength to hand those pills over and you should be proud of yourself. You can make it. Even if right now it doesn't feel like it.

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missophelia
Nov 01 2013 08:31 PM

Lolli

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog, and for all of your words.  I can relate to what you say, being scared not having the pills available.  I certainly don't feel like I have any kind of strength.  I don't feel proud, either.  Maybe one day I will. 

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Untangling-It-All
Nov 02 2013 02:17 PM

Just one moment at a time. I know it's hard. I know it doesn't feel like a good thing, what you did, but it really is. You will get through this. hug.gifhug.gif

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missophelia
Nov 02 2013 04:03 PM

Thank you Untangling. 

 

I am hoping i will get through this.  :hug:  :hug:

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Untangling-It-All
Nov 03 2013 12:49 PM

How are you holding up today?

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missophelia
Nov 03 2013 12:54 PM

Hey Untangling,

 

Thanks for asking.

 

I think for today I am just trying to keep busy.  I've been doing some writing, which I'll post here later.  But other than that, I'm just keeping busy with stuff, because if I don't distract myself, I feel I would fall apart.  My anxiety level is pretty high.  I still feel pretty depressed.  And part of me desperately wishes I still had those pills, because they would come in handy at some point.

 

I hope you are doing ok, my friend.    :hug:  :hug:

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Untangling-It-All
Nov 03 2013 06:26 PM

Do whatever you can to get through this. You can get through this, one moment at a time if necessary hug.gif  I'm doing alright, but wish I could do more for you. My PM box is always open. metoyou.gif

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missophelia
Nov 03 2013 06:31 PM

Untangling

 

Thanks.  For being encouraging and supportive, and for being here for me. 

 

I'm glad you are doing alright.  And you have done a lot for me.  :hug:  :hug:

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