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5 worst betrayals


Melanie

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This is my first post. Seems like its been one difficult summer. I was just having a conversation with my mother this was back in June. She just out of the blue says to me

"he didn't get away with it, he paid for what he did."

She was talking about my uncle, her sisters husband. She went on to say when he bought

Your grandmothers house, it cost him $10,000 more dollars.

I felt everything in me go numb. I never thought she believed me. Even after I told, I still had to go there. I was 11 when I told, stuff had been going on since I was at least 3. I only told one thing..... When that didn't work I kept quiet.

Now I find out she took money. How's that suppose to make me feel. And I wonder if other family knew. How could they do this? I am 49 now and this ones out this summer. She said it like it was a great thing. I said nothing.

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The first person to betray me was the perpetrator, my grandfather, then my mother betrayed me by treating me like I was a slut/whore because it happened at 5 years old, the third betrayal was no one helped me as a child make sense of any of it, the fourth betrayal everyone swept it under the rug like it never happened, and the firth betrayal was I betrayed myself until I was I was forty years old.

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This is my first post. Seems like its been one difficult summer. I was just having a conversation with my mother this was back in June. She just out of the blue says to me

"he didn't get away with it, he paid for what he did."

She was talking about my uncle, her sisters husband. She went on to say when he bought

Your grandmothers house, it cost him $10,000 more dollars.

I felt everything in me go numb. I never thought she believed me. Even after I told, I still had to go there. I was 11 when I told, stuff had been going on since I was at least 3. I only told one thing..... When that didn't work I kept quiet.

Now I find out she took money. How's that suppose to make me feel. And I wonder if other family knew. How could they do this? I am 49 now and this ones out this summer. She said it like it was a great thing. I said nothing.

So sorry she did not factor in the price you paid, because if she though money could cover it your uncle would never had been rich enough to pay the price for what he did to you.

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I am so sorry for you and your sister. Can't imagine how that must feel. I too, cannot understand how a parent can ignore their child. Just reading your post and the posts of others, the mothers in these situations just do not know, understand and maybe not care about the damage done. With my mother, things had to be perfect and God forbid something come out like this. Her silence on what was going on could have killed me and sometimes i feel it will.

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  • 2 weeks later...

The worst betrayal? Well that has to be my sister since it was her husband that raped me. She said I was a liar, accused me of stealing prescription drugs from her home, said I've been trying to ruin her life and her family, and finally that I was dead to her and that she no longer had a sister. By the way, she was my best friend in the entire world for all of my 32 yrs and I told her everything. I can't even stand to look at a picture of her now. The hurt is beyond repair. Oh and I forgot to add she called me a slut and every other derogatory name possible. I do t even know who that woman is.

Edited by songstress
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  • 3 months later...

The worst betrayal is the lack of trust that occurs when you are sexually abused by your grandfather. You go through life not trusting others who had nothing to do with your abuse but none the less suffer the consequences of it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

What a meaningful thing to discuss. What a lot of painful stories. I am so sorry. I wish these stories were as rare as I once believed. I wish nobody else had to share in these kinds of pain. I wish there was no need for this board.

I wish none of us had to be here.

Betrayal for me is my mother, when I was 6, listening to me telling her my father hurt me and responding by breaking down in tears and insisting that "this can't be true, tell me this isn't true". Which, being 6 and unable to break my mothers' heart, I did. She then angrily confronted my father resulting in another night of pain because "you told her, I told you not to tell her".

Betrayal is my mother; when I was 32, just starting therapy due to flashbacks, nightmares, depression, daily thoughts of suicide; responding to my early explorations of whether I might have been abused with "I can't deal with this, you have to help me get through this" with nary a word of "how are you?, are you going to make it, is there anything I can do?"

Betrayal is my sister; when I was 33 and confided in her that I thought if was my father that had abused me, who swore never to tell. But told anyway and then didn't have the courage to at least warn me, much less to apologize, leaving me to face the wrath of my furious raging mother unexpectedly. And who then spent the next 5 years ducking for cover while my mother raged, always knowing I was telling the truth and never saying it.

And who then had the nerve to write me a nasty vicious letter accusing me of "ruining everybodys life" because I wouldn't attend family gatherings, listen to my mother call me crazy on the phone, or back down and say it wasn't so.

Betrayal is my aunt; the only one of my extended family who expressed any sympathy at all, who wrote a short note to everyone telling them that she believed me. It was a great comfort, that note. Until later that same day when I got a call from her telling me that she had just got off the phone to my mother (her sister) and could I please go commit a federal felony and steal my sisters copy from her mailbox before she got home so that my sister wouldn't read it because my mother swore that nothing had happened and was completely heartbroken and my aunt just couldn't stand to see her crying in such pain, and wasn't there any way to "compromise" on this issue?

Betrayal is my mother; who responded to my very privately revealed accusation with a very public denial, very public tears, very public accusations of lying, very public accusations of being crazy, very public accusations of "ruining the family", and who made a concerted effort to round up every member of both sides of the family into her camp, leaving me not only hurting but without a family.

Betrayal is my extended family, who let her do it without question.

Betrayal is the media, for writing articles, making tv specials, giving voice to the False Memory movement without doing any real research, without really talking to or touching on the victims, without making any attempt to determine the truth because crying heartbroken articulate parents are much more juicy of a story than their broken victims. They added validity to those whose lies were the loudest and ignored those whose truth was too painful to shout. They gave perpetrators everywhere the fuel they needed to continue their denials, the "facts" they needed to sway third parties to their sides. They helped cover up acts of evil and ignored acts of immense courage.

Betrayal is the world; where I cannot talk about my pain without being told to "get over it", "move on", "focus on your life now", "just deal". Whose attitudes helped my mother and father by reinforcing that it "wasn't that big a deal, and it was a long time ago, so why bring it back up now?"

Betrayal is my father; Who raped a 6 year old boy because he was angry at his mother and wanted to hurt her but didn't have the courage, who raped a 6 year old boy because his marriage sucked and he didn't know how to fix it, who raped a 6 year old boy because he never wanted the kids that took his loving spouse away.

Who raped a 6 year old boy because "he deserved it"

Who raped a 6 year old boy.

And finally, betrayal is my heart, where I cannot maintain a simple friendship, much less an intimate relationship, because I cannot ever trust anyone enough to let them in.

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  • 3 weeks later...

This is my first post. First of all, while I am so sad for all the pain of betrayal, but I also find some relief knowing now that I'm not the only one. My father molested me since before I remember. So I have always thought of him as a bad guy. My mother on the other hand was such a great mom. She was so loving and kind and fun. In fact one of the reasons I never told was to protect her. Well she found out when I was 22 ( my sister disclosed the abuse to a counselor). At first she was full of rage and hatred calling him the scum of the earth. And it felt so good! Then just two or three months later while I was home on vacation, she had to leave to bring him dinner. WHAT?!!! And since then, she has continued her marriage with him. She says the most fucked up things sometimes. One of my "faves" is - ( in response to my saying I don't really care if he ever goes to jail, if at least he was a registered sex offender) "if he was registered, it would be do hard for him to find work and whee would he live?" really, mom? As much as being molested for years was damaging, my moms betrayal hurts so much more.

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  • 3 weeks later...

1. my best friend dating the guy.

2. my cousin telling me not to go to the cops or tell the police.

3. my mother drinking while i had ptsd.

4. my little sister dating the guy's cousin.

5. my dad telling me that i deserved to be hit by my mom.

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  • 2 weeks later...

After my girlfriend was kidnapped and r**** repeatedly by an ex-boyfriend and three of his friends - and I mean right after, literally a matter of hours - some guy living in her house (best friend of her brother) tried to get in her pants. He managed it the next day and continued to do it over a period of several weeks; to make it worse she was in great physical pain due to her internal injuries, and he pressured her to continue. He would later use this against her by telling everyone she was close to that she could 'only last five minutes in bed.' When she finally came to and realised he was taking advantage of her he started playing mind games: writing her love letters and leaving them around the house, watching her as she slept, and trying to climb into bed with her. He practically lived at the house for a time and all the while was trying to wear her down and force her to get with him. Her family's reaction? Help him. Her mum and brother joined in, telling her he was a nice lad who cared about her deeply and was a friend of the family. They still allow him round there to this day and make her make him tea, though he hasn't stayed round there often since I started going out with her and the mind games have ceased entirely.

My girlfriend's brother, who for some reason thinks that all the times she's been r***** and abused are nothing short of hilarious, and continually makes jokes about her and calls her a slag. He also thinks it's a sport to antagonise her mental illnesses, such as disassociative personality disorder which arose as a result of the trauma she suffered. Her mum, who goes along with this and makes her do all the housework and takes her money, robbing her of any independence and time to herself, plus denies her any opportunity to heal with phrases like 'stop crying' or 'man up' even when she has full-on breakdowns. Her entire family - save her nan - are an ugly bag of snakes that need to be laid out straight.

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  • 2 months later...

1 me for letting my light go out and just letting it happen and i never cried about it not once if turth be known god punistd me cos i was not good enuff but i was i was kind caring alway put others before my self now i know now i cry and they cant stop

2 the man that hurt me so much i just wished for death to come allso he was related to my boyfriend how also rape me

3 my mum she cryed but did not believe me cos i was to ashamed to say there was blood how was i to know that and cos her son my brother rape me to he was the golden one he could not do eny thing wrong so it was my fault and for telling the only man i ever trused that i was making it up

4 my dad for not giving a shit about it for not even telling me ill be ok and for letting me trust him just to leave me and my brother kyle and my sister dan just befoe christmas the shit

5 the police how lied to me they told me that he wold go to prison and did not

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Guest Abishai

1 worst betrayals primary was my mother for constantly covering-up for her daughter (my elder sister and first abuser) by the way she comes to the house frequently and sucks up to her, which is a constant kick in n**s

2 my father for not listening (though that is down to my mothers mindgames)

3 my former best friend, colleage and minister, for screwing around and pushing my buttons during the counselling and then breaching a position of trust and manipulating and broadcasting information from the councelling deliberatly so he could f*** me up and cover his and the f***-ups of his own staff,

what i want to do is lie in wait and put a crossbow-bolt through his f***** skull (or torture the guy very,very slowly but not enuf to kill him ) obviously i have along way to go until im over it

4 my "friends" for stabbing me in the back

5 my old youth leaders for standing by and allowing me to be assaulted and r**** and just spouting evangelical religious crap

BUT THE BEST REVENGE I CAN HAVE IS TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE

Edited by Abishai
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The worst betrayal for me was the reaction I got from my community after the rape occurred. The perpetrators were on a sports team and told all their friends about it, but in the context that I was a willing paticipant. Word got around town and people I had known my whole life started to treat me differently, not make eye contact or say that I wasn't a "good girl".

I attempted suicide and when I woke up from a coma the nurse told me how spoiled and selfish I was and how I was just doing it for attention. Then when I told a psychiatrist I had been raped he told me not to discuss it while I was in hospital. He completely ignored the fact and diagnosed me as manic depressive and put me on tons of pills.

I think I have pretty much done some good healing about the actual events, but it is the betrayal by all the bystanders that keeps me in a state of distrust of the world.

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  • 1 month later...

*T*, maybe

First one when I was nine, and a family friend babysat me for the weekend. After three days of "tickle parties" and "cuddle sessions" where he'd stick his hand down my pants and up my shirt I felt completely filthy and at the time I didn't know why. So after my mom and her husband (dad's dead) got home, it took a while to say what happened. And while my mom was up in arms about it, my step dad said "are you sure you're not lying? Justin would never do something like that, he's been my best friend for years. Are you sure you aren't lying?"

When I was sixteen my step dad molested me also, so that betrayal makes more sense now.

The second one is going on right now. My step dad is no longer living in my house because I told my mom and she kicked him out, but after that she never spoke about it again. Then she started talking about how nasty I am, how I'm a whore, how ungrateful and manipulative and unpleasant I am. But I still was in pain, so I tried to talk to her about the triggers I was having. she responded with "well you need to figure all that out. None of us have time for that sort of turmoil, you need to sort it out."

Okay, mindf**k. The first one was easy to handle, mainly because it was explained later. But this one? The woman who's been in my corner my whole life is now scorning me, making me feel like I don't deserve to feel the pain that I do (that's the most mind-f**king part, I don't believe I deserve to be here anymore), and on top of it all, inviting him over every few days to mow the lawn, fix the sink, go over bill payments and generally just hang out. And I can't help but stew in my own hopelessness, there's no way to get over it when you live under her roof and your abuser comes over every weekend to visit. Gah.

~ash

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  • 2 weeks later...

The worst betrayal for me was the reaction of my best friend at the time. When I had told her what happened she simply said "That sucks" and then went on to tell me about the highlights she got in her hair. Pretty soon she stopped picking up the phone. She didn't stick up for me and her abandonment was more painful than the rape. 14 years of friendship down the drain.

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Lyssamay1989

1. When he promised me he'd never make me cry again after he got drunk and started calling me names the first time.

2. He knew he had a problem, but just kept doing the same s**t over and over again.

3. My mom telling me that I need to stop talking about my SA to my boyfriend because I'll "push him away"

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  • 4 months later...

How did you/were you able to come to a place where you experienced these things as betrayals? I feel like I should be able to do this exercise and yet when I try to pull 5, literally nothing comes to mind. My thoughts go blank...

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My father

My sister

My pediatrician

My mother did/did not believe me, but did nothing.

Nobody believed me until I was 20, but nothing was done to protect me, for fear of family and social scandal. Instead, I was placed on a locked ward in a very fancy private psychiatric hospital for a year, to keep me from talking. I had no diagnosis-merely warehoused to protect my parents' reputation. Things were very different in the 1950's...

I am 74, still fragile, suffering from long-term PTSD and Major Depression.

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  • 4 weeks later...

1. My brother for r**ing me.

2. My mother for covering it up and making me keep it a secret.

3. My mother again for telling me graphic rape stories from 10 years old and older even knowing I was a traumatized r**e victim.

4. My therapist when I was a teen not believing me when I mentioned molestation in my past, making me unable to talk about it again and he never asked.

5. My sister for telling me our brother didn't "have that vibe" about him when I told her.

Edited by Kiandra
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1. My brother who chose to molest and frighten me my entire growing up, and threatened to kill me if I told

2. My mother for letting him molest me (I told her every single time but she never did a thing and kept it from my father, who is now dead)

3. When I told my other siblings after I grew up, they chose to blame me and I lost them also

4. My mother has my abuser brother over every holiday, and I spend them alone as a single mom

5. Religion -- I am/was just supposed to "forgive," and move on and act like it never happened or else it is me with the problem

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  • 2 weeks later...

1. my abuse happened when i was like 4 and only twice so i don't really have proof who did it. my therapist kept asking me who i thought did it. so i answered who i thought had did it at that point in time, reminding her i wasn't really sure. however, she decided to call DYFAS. thankfully they said since there was no proof of anything i did not have to report. I am glad I didn't report because the more I think about, I think that man may be a little weird and was around when this happened but I don't think he actually did anything wrong.

2. the second and much more hurtful was i lost my best friend due to her lack of understanding. i was having an awful day full of flashbacks. she could tell i was upset so i told her i was having bad thoughts because of what happened to me when i was little. i did not go into the details of what i was envisioning because i didn't want to upset her. then we went out shopping. i managed to go shopping for about 4 hours but afterward i felt very triggered and told my friend i need to go home and asked if she would drop me back at my house. she refused. so then i began having a large panic attack so i ran to the car. we fought afterward and i made up my mind that she really did not understand me and i didn't want to be her friend anymore. we did text to try to resolve the problem but she kept insulting me via text so i decided she was not worth it. she basically told me see was sick of dealing with my disabilities (i have a few). and so does she, so you'd think she'd understand, but i guess not. now i am pretty much friendless, she was my rock for almost 10 years, now i really don't have anyone.

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breakawayfearless

I think my worst betrayal was myself. For acting like nothing had ever happened and everything was just fine for over 10 years.

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The biggest betrayal of the whole thing was the fact that he was my boyfriend when he started abusing me, and torturing me, then he got other boys to help, they paid him. He was my boyfriend he acted so sweet and nice and then WHAM sadistic b*stard overnight, and there was no escape since it was at school.

The other I would have to say the other teens for helping him and not helping me.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My then boyfriend, for listening to me talk about having been SA'd, about my depression, s****de attempt and other mental health issues, to seem like it hurt him to know that I'd been hurt, and then to do thing like tell me I shouldn't ever mention s****de, he didn't want to know because it made him sad. (it made HIM sad? wow it's not like the how point it how sad i had been).

Then, of course, still him, after all that, for r*ping me. Again him for acting like it never happened.

A small part of me says me, too, for never doing anything about anything.

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