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Just venting...

19 April 2010
Posted by mockingbird 
I just hurt like hell. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. This is just going to be a stupid bitch-fest so you don't have to read this if you don't want to.

I CAN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE. I can't. My grades are slipping. They're easy enough to get back up but I can't find the motivation. Nothing matters anymore. I hate my dad. I hate him so much. I wish he would die. That sounds so awful, I know.

Today I had to leave Spanish and I just sat in the bathroom crying for like 20 minutes. Crying because no one loves me and no one cares and I'll never be normal. I had to yell at myself a bit. Tell myself self-pity will get me nowhere. I can't depend on anyone else, the only one who can get me out of this shit is me. I'm not strong enough to.

I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM. But I hate me more. I hate that I'm weak and that I SI and that I let it happen and that I can't be stronger.

The most stupid and self centered question I could ever ask, but yes, I need to ask it anyways: Why me? How come all my friends are happy and have normal families but I don't?

Ugh. I can't do any of this anymore.

 
Back to It's a sin to kill a mockingbird. →

4 Comments On This Entry

I can relate to so much of what you've written. It's hard... I've asked myself the 'why me' and 'why don't I have a normal family too' questions so many times and never found an answer. I doubt there are even answers to them.

But what I do know is that you are not alone at all through this. We're all here for you, we love and care about you. You didn't let it happen, it'll never ever be your fault.

Take care :hug: (if okay)
ColourSplashes, 20 April 2010 - 06:08 AM
Hi mockingbird. Maybe u will feel better when your T comes back. You are cared about. I get like that also. My abuser lives 1 mile away in a home, and she's now 84. I wish she would die.you are strong. I know u are. And were all here for each other. Nova.
NovaBat, 20 April 2010 - 09:07 AM
I feel the same sometimes mockingbird. My abuser is 1 mile away from me. Maybe u will feel better once your T is back. !! You are cared about, and you are strong. I don't know what id av done without this site, non of my friends are understanding like people here. And were all here 4 each other. Take care. Nova.
NovaBat, 20 April 2010 - 09:43 AM
(((Mockingbird))) I can relate to EVERYTHING in your post. So sorry you are struggling. Be gentle with yourself. It is ok to cry. I care about you, and I know other people here care about you. You also said "I'll never be normal"... What exactly is normal hun? It is alright to hate your dad,it is ok to feel everything that you are feeling. I'm hoping that you're feeling a bit better today. Try and pamper yourself and do the things you enjoy doing. It helps ;) I'm always here for you, if you ever want to talk :hug: :hug: :hug:
sunshinedaisy, 21 April 2010 - 11:15 AM
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