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20.11.11
I am sitting by the back window
Watching a moth circling the light,
Like my thoughts circling an awareness
Of a painful truth,
Not yet known.
I saw my mother today
Her cheek offered for an air kiss,
cold, empty, no contact made.
The Christmas I am not invited to
Was never spoken of.
Presents for my children,
Given from the fairy godmother she sees herself as.
I feel the pain of all the unsaid truths.
She could not love me,
She used me,
She seduced me.
I did not exist in my own right.
I was her confidante,
Her protector;
I stroked her and pleased her,
I propped up her fragile ego,
And soothed her anxious tears.
She offered me up to her husband,
Turning a blind eye
to his hungry pursuit
Of a child's flesh and innocence.
She offered me up
And she saved herself
From seeing me in her.
Goodbye mother.
It is time to let you go;
The mother I longed for
But never had.
I want to care for you,
To love you
To belong to you and feel loyal to you.
But I don't recognise those feelings
In response to you.
There is only a cold emptiness
And the stark reality
Of a love never met.
I am alone;
The moth circling the light,
And my thoughts
Descending on the truths
I have hidden from myself.
I am sitting by the back window
Watching a moth circling the light,
Like my thoughts circling an awareness
Of a painful truth,
Not yet known.
I saw my mother today
Her cheek offered for an air kiss,
cold, empty, no contact made.
The Christmas I am not invited to
Was never spoken of.
Presents for my children,
Given from the fairy godmother she sees herself as.
I feel the pain of all the unsaid truths.
She could not love me,
She used me,
She seduced me.
I did not exist in my own right.
I was her confidante,
Her protector;
I stroked her and pleased her,
I propped up her fragile ego,
And soothed her anxious tears.
She offered me up to her husband,
Turning a blind eye
to his hungry pursuit
Of a child's flesh and innocence.
She offered me up
And she saved herself
From seeing me in her.
Goodbye mother.
It is time to let you go;
The mother I longed for
But never had.
I want to care for you,
To love you
To belong to you and feel loyal to you.
But I don't recognise those feelings
In response to you.
There is only a cold emptiness
And the stark reality
Of a love never met.
I am alone;
The moth circling the light,
And my thoughts
Descending on the truths
I have hidden from myself.
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HiddenPoet likes this
2 Comments On This Entry
It's all so true. Your words are ones I could have written. I am sorry for your pain.
Theresa,
29 January 2012 - 07:44 AM
Very powerful. I hear you.
Brittany,
29 January 2012 - 10:40 AM
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