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somewhere in here is something illuminating

08 October 2011
Posted by Zelda 
It wasn't until Sammy the cat was dying of cancer that I realized my journey from work to home was some kind of hell. When Sammy was dying I was either thinking of ways to save him - delicious food to buy for him or wondering if he will still be there. It wasn't until I had something else to think about that I realized what I was going through before. After my mother died I was in terrible shape, I needed big time help mentally. While talking at the psychiatrist office he pointed out how I mistakenly called work - home.
Recently I was having a meltdown, it's a long story but my sister was coming over to help me with something. I had terrible anxiety building up to her coming over and it's only now that I am writing this that I realize....
Anyway, By the time she arrived I was in full breakdown mode and her presence only made things worse. But by making things worse it helped me in a way.
We went out for a bit and when we returned to MY PLACE she noted and mentioned a big change - some kind physical transformation in me happened. Don't you
notice it? She asked.

Last night I had a dream it was a horrible nightmare that I was so relieved when I woke to know that it had been a dream. It's main theme was why isn't my
sister helping me?

Moving forward, I am making a serious effort to make my place a home. A happy and holy self nurturing place.

 
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3 Comments On This Entry

It sounds like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. You're inviting a better life in-to your home -- one you very much deserve and have earned after trying for so long. It's great to read you are trying to make your place a nurturing one...every-body should have a place they can go to for safety and comfort. Some-times it takes a tragedy to really clear your mind and narrow your focus on health; I think finally being forced to slow down and think about your-self has drove that point home...?
stealing_wonderland, 11 October 2011 - 09:01 PM
I think it was past reflex, maybe I am reading too much into it. I must have felt this horrible doom going home everyday as a child. I think I am still living it today. Maybe that sounds crazy but I really think that has something to do with it. And the meltdown I had prior to my sister coming to help me. Why didn't she help me? I am sure that was going through my mind at the time. (Not that she could have but I am sure I would have wished for it back then) Thanks SW.
Zelda, 12 October 2011 - 05:41 PM
I remember wishing the same when I was a kid. Every-time mum or dad were angry with me, I wished my sister would do one of her cute things and take the attention off of me and I resented her, to some degree, for standing there and siding with them instead. Home wasn't a good place when I was a kid, so I think I under-stand what you mean. I'm sorry no-body helped you as a kid, and that your sister wasn't there for you when you were going through the melt-down -- it's a pretty lonely place to be.

How are things looking on the home front ? Any changes to your place to make it a nurturing, antithesis of your child-hood sort of place ?
stealing_wonderland, 13 October 2011 - 12:02 AM
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