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Cried for the first time in months

Posted by Brian09 , 17 November 2013 · 204 views

Perhaps it's because I'm always surrounded by guys who are or act tough is that I don't allow myself to cry. Even alone in my home. 
I have told myself several times that it's alright to cry if I need to but I always find myself trying not to. My father's words always ring in my head about being a man and being strong. Sorry to say father, but today I cried.
I cried for what seemed hours. I tried to stop several times but when I failed, I just let myself crumble. Maybe it was the loneliness that had been building up for so long or maybe it was the training I had at work yesterday. Suicide Prevention. I sat through the entire two hour training with a lump in my through. After the training was over, I became certified to properly try to prevent suicide. I almost laughed when they handed me the certificate. It seemed ironic.
I hadn't had to deal with anything regarding this part of my life for a while. With work keeping me busy and having to move, I fooled myself for almost three months that my life was just fine. I smiled and joked around work. Turned in all my projects in time and assisted presentations as if nothing was eating me alive. Can't say I haven't done it before. Actually that is how I get through most of the year, every year. Keep myself busy in work to not think about.
But every now and then, I finally break. It is at moments like this that I'm glad I don't live with anyone else. Had someone seen me, they would have thought someone had died. 
I was finally able to pull myself together enough to make myself a cup of coffee. Not really knowing what to do next, I decided to write about it instead of letting my mind wonder to dark places.

Nov 17 2013 08:47 PM
Hearing you. Hope you're OK.

Nice to 'meet' you, by the way.


I think all survivors are experts at being the great pretenders of all is fine in our world.  As if our pain, sadness, sorrow, loneliness and lostness just do not exist.


I always remember that I do not have to be strong all the time to be strong.


I also tell myself that when I do finally cry (in private and alone still) I am cleansing my soul of poisons.


Safe (((Hugs))) if okay.  Take good care of you

October 2014

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