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Enemy Mine

Posted by TrueBlue , 16 November 2013 · 254 views

I woke up today feeling...ok.  Not jumping over the moon but not draggin in the dust either.  Just ok.  The switch, which is me, wasn't flipped on all the way so things hadn't registered yet.
The day crawled by, the wind picked up, and the switch was turned on.
I found my mind reeling and swirling and twisting with things that I had to deal with.  I picked through them deciding which one I had to deal with right now and which could wait.  I felt on top of things, productive even, going about things soo business like.  Then...
Then I turned on all the way.
I am my own worse enemy.  I have been known to destroy relationships.  I am the thief in the night that stills dreams and hopes.  I am the naysayer.  I am that kind of person......to myself. 
I will be the best cheerleader, the best believer for everyone else but me.   Me?  Pffttt.  I'll try and destroy and steal everything I can from me.  Why?  Why do I do this?  The main question?  Why do I allow myself to destroy myself?
I have dreams, wants, and hopes just like anyone else.  But then the other me will tell me I can't do it, I'll never achieve anything, that no one would want me.  I beging to believe it and sabatage myself.
I want to get an education.  I had to give up my education in order to protect my oldest son.  At the time he was a baby, a toddler.  I couldn't trust my "parents" with him....so I had to sacrifice my dreams and hopes and wishes in order to protect him the best I could. 
I remember laying awake at night and imagining what it would be like to go to school, get my degree, a job.  I imagined the pride I would feel, the experiences I would get to share in.  I would watch movies or shows with college students and have this overwhelming urge that if I closed my eyes real tight, I would be there.  I would be going to college.  I would be getting a degree.
Now, flash forward to today.  I'm told by my husband "Go ahead apply.  You can do this.  Just fill in the paperwork and apply and we'll go from there."  Ok.  I start researching and looking up courses and different institutions.  I started to get a bit excited, start to feel a bit of glow of hope.....I even took several MOOC courses and even got a certificate from Harvard for passing a justice course.  But....but....today...I start looking again and reading the requirements.   I start to fill in the fields asking for my information and. I. quit.
I sat here looking at my screen, listening to the cruel person that is me, telling me that I can't do it.  What if my high school and 2 year degree won't transfer over.  What about the cost.  What if!  What if!  What if!   So. I. quit.  I closed it down.
Here I sit, writing on here feeling disappointment in myself and anger.  Is it not enough that my "family" has for 40 years, put me down?  Why do I have to try and destroy myself?  Why am I being my own worse enemy?  Why can't I give myself the support and encouragement that I so willingly give to others? 
I won't give up though....I can't.  I deserve a chance.  I deserve a chance to have dreams and hopes.  I deserve a chance to live........I'll keep telling myself that and maybe, just maybe, the other me will just shut up.

Yes you do deserve all the good things life has to offer. I believe that you will follow your dreams when the time is right. You are being too hard on yourself.

I also have a voice that I want shut up for good. Haven't figured how to do that.

Take good care of you
You deserve to do what you want to do.

I finally made progress with 'that voice' when I named it a demon. Because, that voice brings only evil and yet disguises that by pretending it is telling the truth. That voice only undermines, it does not inform and advise.

That voice says, these are all the reasons you will fail at what you want, and you do not deserve to do it anyway.

Truth says, there may be obstacles but you cannot know how to deal with them unless you try and you deserve to be who you want to be.

I hope you can find a way of recognising that voice for the evil it is. And I don't think it is a part of 'you', I think it is an echo of the unsupportive things, the lies you have been told in the past.

I have managed to shut that voice up. It was hard because when I first tried it started shouting at me louder and louder. It felt like doing battle, but because I was at a time in my journey where I could do this I committed myself to fighting it every time it appeared and eventually it weakened.

Thank you for the replies and support.  For understanding and helping to shed some light =)  It's a hard battle isn't it?  I geuss I keep hoping it gets easier. 

July 2016

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