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who are you

Posted by whodatninja , 28 May 2014 · 151 views

i hate being around people. people hurt me, even when they claim to "help". yet i hate being alone. the crushing lonliness drives me batty. it's a struggle to find the balance. i work hard at writing because i feel like somebody, even if i'm still nobody at the end of the day. i'm always a non-person.
i hate existing. yet i'm still here, breathing, taking up matter and space.
time continues around me, every day, minute, hour, second, i'm older and die a little more.
but sometimes time just stops. or repeats. and i just want to scream.
no matter if i'm awake or dreaming. it's the same goddamn awful thing over and over again.
no one will hear me. no one ever does. because i'm a nobody, no one ever will.
"you need to trust others" i keep hearing. right, the same fake people i "trusted" only to be let down again.
i just need to let go. i don't know why i'm still here. but something is always pulling me back here. i must love being miserable. it's how i know i exist. i hurt, so i must be real. the pain is always real.
to a crazy person, the madness is normal. i want out. i want it to stop.
they never listen. going on about nothing again, eh? same story with you all the time.
just shut up already.
can i survive 800 feet? do i want to take that chance? i think about it. but everything has to fall into place first. it might not work. i need a different plan.
but the plans never work. they always fail. they're tired of listening.
just do something about it already.
how far do i need to be pushed to do so? i wonder if they're just enjoying the poking and the prodding and seeing if i would. is that what they really want?
i don't know what i want anymore. no one really gives two shits about what i want. i always have to do what they say. because my wants and desires and ideas are stupid.
i will succeed one of these days i keep telling myself. maybe that's the madness that keeps me going, hoping something better will come out of it. but after a while, the pain is too much. i hurt too much. i just want out.
this whole circular logic... the guilt too. i can't trust my judgment. they took that too.
in the end still nothing important. a name, a number. a body to be used. nothing will be missed. nothing is ever valued. nothing is nothing at all.
nothing ever worries. nothing doesn't exisit.
then who the hell am i?

You are something. You sat with me the other day and trust me that was a big something. I am so very sorry that those who should appreciate and respect you do not. I get those kinds of families. If I didn't have my son, I would be gone also. But I have to believe there is a reason for us both to be here beyond what we can see right now.

It seems to me that your protest is testimony to a part of you who knows you have been (incredibly badly) mistreated, knows it was wrong, and wants a better life, because you are good and you are somebody.


You just aren't in a safe enough environment to begin to admit it, because as soon as you start, they will cut you down. I like your fighting spirit. I always have. That's why I keep checking on you from time to time. I recognize some of myself in it.

I am rooting for you.

May 28 2014 11:19 PM

thanks jiva :) I'm always in my head and can't always see that. I appreciate your kindness.

If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

July 2016

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