Something has happened within this past week that has sparked my anger. Among other things it has sparked. But tonight, I am struggling with my anger.
I have used the same laundromat for a few years now. And, for probably the last at least 6 months, I found myself slowly building a trust with a man who also does his laundry there at the same time that I do.
Just this last week, he, for some reason, started with a lot of sexual innuendo. And asked for my cell phone number. He didn't come right out and say why when I asked, but hinted around at sending me some nude pics of himself, and suggestions that I do the same for him.
Tonight, I feel such anger.
I am pissed at him. I am pissed that he just assumed that that's where things were supposed to go between us. That that's where I wanted things to go.
Why? Because I was nice to him, that meant that I wanted things to go there? Because I said hi every week? Because I showed interest in the things he talked about? Because I opened the door ever so slightly, and let him in to my life?
I am pissed that I can't possibly have a relationship with a guy without it coming around to sexual talk or suggestion. This has happened before. Why does my therapist wonder why I can't trust men? I'd rather not have any track record with any man, but there you go. That's the track record I'm stuck with.
Mostly, I'm pissed at myself.
I can't believe I let myself trust again. I shouldn't have. I have been telling myself that all day. I shouldn't have let my guard down. I shouldn't have trusted him. I shouldn't have told him things, like, that I have a grandson. Or that I'm a veteran. Or any of that. I feel like an idiot.
I should have seen this coming. A couple of weeks ago, I told him about me getting ready to play piano for the veterans variety show at my VA. He showed absolutely no interest. And, as a "friend" (which he said we were), I would have thought he would have shown some interest. I should have known exactly what his interest was in, why he was interested in me.
And every time my mind wanders and I picture what he was interested in, I want to be sick.
My PTSD has been in rare form the past couple of days.
I am pissed that I haven't SI'ed. I should. I should just do it. I feel like a huge wimp for not giving in to my urges. And beyond that, I am having trouble holding it together, because the urges have been so strong. Makes me want to cry when I don't give in. It actually hurts, mentally, emotionally, physically, to not give in.
I don't know. There's probably more I could write. All I know is that now I just want, more than ever, to isolate. I don't want to have to deal with anyone unless I absolutely have to.