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Posted by missophelia , 25 August 2013 · 140 views

Tonight, I am pissed. I have been angry for quite some time. I don't have a good handle on my anger. Lately, I have tended to SI out of anger, quite frequently, in fact.

Something has happened within this past week that has sparked my anger. Among other things it has sparked. But tonight, I am struggling with my anger.

I have used the same laundromat for a few years now. And, for probably the last at least 6 months, I found myself slowly building a trust with a man who also does his laundry there at the same time that I do.

Not anymore.

Just this last week, he, for some reason, started with a lot of sexual innuendo. And asked for my cell phone number. He didn't come right out and say why when I asked, but hinted around at sending me some nude pics of himself, and suggestions that I do the same for him.

Tonight, I feel such anger.

I am pissed at him. I am pissed that he just assumed that that's where things were supposed to go between us. That that's where I wanted things to go.

Why? Because I was nice to him, that meant that I wanted things to go there? Because I said hi every week? Because I showed interest in the things he talked about? Because I opened the door ever so slightly, and let him in to my life?

I am pissed that I can't possibly have a relationship with a guy without it coming around to sexual talk or suggestion. This has happened before. Why does my therapist wonder why I can't trust men? I'd rather not have any track record with any man, but there you go. That's the track record I'm stuck with.

Mostly, I'm pissed at myself.

I can't believe I let myself trust again. I shouldn't have. I have been telling myself that all day. I shouldn't have let my guard down. I shouldn't have trusted him. I shouldn't have told him things, like, that I have a grandson. Or that I'm a veteran. Or any of that. I feel like an idiot.

I should have seen this coming. A couple of weeks ago, I told him about me getting ready to play piano for the veterans variety show at my VA. He showed absolutely no interest. And, as a "friend" (which he said we were), I would have thought he would have shown some interest. I should have known exactly what his interest was in, why he was interested in me.

And every time my mind wanders and I picture what he was interested in, I want to be sick.

My PTSD has been in rare form the past couple of days.

I am pissed that I haven't SI'ed. I should. I should just do it. I feel like a huge wimp for not giving in to my urges. And beyond that, I am having trouble holding it together, because the urges have been so strong. Makes me want to cry when I don't give in. It actually hurts, mentally, emotionally, physically, to not give in.

I don't know. There's probably more I could write. All I know is that now I just want, more than ever, to isolate. I don't want to have to deal with anyone unless I absolutely have to.

Can I just say how much I admire you?

You have been able to trust and then as soon as you saw the red flags you withdrew your trust.

You also noticed a few more signs to add to your 'can I trust?' checklist - him expressing no interest in something you mentioned.

You've actually done really well, and I wonder if you not giving in to your SI urges just *might* be because you've held on to your power here.

It is not about 'getting it right' (spotting a creep at first sight) it is about looking after yourself and keeping yourself safe, spotting the red flags when you see them and acting on them.

You've done so well, so please be kind to you.
Aug 26 2013 01:29 PM
I'm sorry this happened. What a creep! What a JERK! I am really angry at that guy. I am sorry he hurt you like this. :hug:

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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