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So, today I realized that it has been almost 2 and 1/2 years since my r*pe. I'm still embarrassed to talk about it, still afraid he will find me and kill me-mentally, emotionally. I have a overwhelming fear. I am so afraid of him. I know he is far away, but I trigger all the time, and I wonder- shouldnt this be just part of me?
When I was a little girl, I always thought that my life would be smooth. I dreamed of a faerie tale. When I was a teenager, I threw that idea away. I flew under the radar, trying not to be noticed. Interested in sex, yet not asking questions or getting answers. little did I know, my interest in sex would be killed.
Now that I am a adult, I have experienced life. I have experienced pain, sex, childbirth and loss. I have done (and still) try to survive. A faerie tale? Who was I kidding? My life is like Rapunzel's now- though there is no prince, no magic to save me. I cry from my tower.
My captor is not a wicked queen, but my own mind. Night after night I remember. Only during the day am I 'normal'. At night, he attacks me again. I see myself struggling and can't get away. I wake up dripping sweat. I can't breathe and do not like that feeling.
I want to get better and soon. I try to forget, but I need something to help me at night. I can't take any more meds and I don't know what to do. I am scared he will find me. I no longer like heavy blankets-too much weight. I rarley trust men. My intrest in sex is gone. I feel no need for a relationship with the opposite sex. All this has been stolen from me and I hate it!!!!
I am so tired. Since when has my life been a faerie tale?
When I was a little girl, I always thought that my life would be smooth. I dreamed of a faerie tale. When I was a teenager, I threw that idea away. I flew under the radar, trying not to be noticed. Interested in sex, yet not asking questions or getting answers. little did I know, my interest in sex would be killed.
Now that I am a adult, I have experienced life. I have experienced pain, sex, childbirth and loss. I have done (and still) try to survive. A faerie tale? Who was I kidding? My life is like Rapunzel's now- though there is no prince, no magic to save me. I cry from my tower.
My captor is not a wicked queen, but my own mind. Night after night I remember. Only during the day am I 'normal'. At night, he attacks me again. I see myself struggling and can't get away. I wake up dripping sweat. I can't breathe and do not like that feeling.
I want to get better and soon. I try to forget, but I need something to help me at night. I can't take any more meds and I don't know what to do. I am scared he will find me. I no longer like heavy blankets-too much weight. I rarley trust men. My intrest in sex is gone. I feel no need for a relationship with the opposite sex. All this has been stolen from me and I hate it!!!!
I am so tired. Since when has my life been a faerie tale?
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About my blog
This is basically my space to spill out everything I'm thinking and feeling.
Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.
What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.
There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.
Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.
What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.
There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.
