catching teardrops in my hands
It's funny because right now I'm not strong at all. She is. I feel like getting closer and closer to a nervous breakdown. I've had 2 in my life so far. And I can see it coming. Headaches everyday. Dizziness. No energy to leave the bed. Tiredness even though I spend the entire day in bed. Sadness. Emptiness, anger and frustration at the same time. My body hurts. My recent past constantly flashes before my eyes. So does my old past. Tears keep falling. When my love came home last night I looked at her and saw in her everything I've always dreamed of, everything I wanted to become and so much more. I love everything about her. Then I looked at myself and saw everything I I've always been scared of, everything I never wanted to be. I feel worthless. I feel useless. Parasite. These feelings are so overwhelming that I can't stand myself. I want to run. I want to pack my stuff and run. To a place where no one knows me. To a place where I can start over. But is it possible to start over? And if the pain didn't kill me would the memories ever be enough for me to keep on going? Memories of her eyes, her kisses, her smile, her touch, the smell of her skin, the sound of her voice. Will the urge to run be stronger than love? I can't let it happen. I will not let that happen. I promised I wouldn't.
My God things are so complicated.
Mum said she wanted to send me money so that I can look like my old self again: "I don't know, get a new haircut maybe or something". Parasite. And I'm not the old me anymore? If I'm not the old me, am I the new me then? And who exactly is the new me? I don't think we've been introduced. But wait, now when I think about it, mum was right. The old me is long gone. The new me controls my life now. The new scared, quiet, pathetic, always tired me. With a bad haircut obviously. Trying to be invisible. Trying to hide so deep inside myself that no one would find me. Putting up walls again. Why? I didn't realise it until yesterday. I looked into her eyes and I saw it. Her beauty. Her love. And the wall. My wall. Between us. And I saw it again. Today. "Ewa you have to be strong enough to either break down the dividing wall or to see her getting hurt by your fears. Choose wisely." Well thanks so much S. How about you tell me where to find the strength to break down the wall or to climb it? I need this strength right now, please?
Why am I still talking to him? I don't know. "No, you don't need it. You never use it." "You want what? You better concentrate on studying" "And who will pay for your plans?" "He is my slash our friend and that's the difference". I better stop here. It's just a waste of time. And I'm not a masochist. Suddenly I'm not so sure anymore if I really want to be my old self again....
Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like, there's nothing left of me?
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper.