Welcome to Pandora's Aquarium, a rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivor message board and chat room.
If you've been a victim of any type of sexual violence, you belong here. What you see below represents just a fraction of the resources and survivor support available. Register now to join our community and take full advantage of what this online support group has to offer you as you heal and recover, or sign in to remove this message.
You are not alone, we can support you as you heal, and you've made an important step toward recovery by reaching out. If you are unable to register or have any questions, please contact the staff or view our home page.
When asked: Why didn't you fight harder what do you say. *T*
Posted 19 June 2002 - 09:24 AM
Maybe when someone asks again, you can answer with :
"Oh yes, that's a good idea. I'll keep in mind for the next time. Why didn't I think of it? How hard would you think is hard enough??? When I have 10 bruises? Or 25? Or when I have several cuts? Or when I'm unconscious? In a coma? Worse even? Tell me: how hard would be hard enough?"
If after that they still don't get it, they're not even worth the effort.
Of course, they might get upset for a while, because they'll feel exposed, well that serves them right then.
I hope you'll never ever get that question again.
And I hope the same for every survivor.
:) What can I say? I love to be naieve sometimes.
Posted 20 June 2002 - 03:06 PM
Even counselor blamed me for not doing anything..'Why weren't u fighting' that stupid b*tch asked..i stood up and walked out of that room..never seen her again..
And felt even more disgusting for weeks..
I blame only myself often, and then i try not to, but when others ask i freak out..
They should shut up..
Posted 24 June 2002 - 03:26 PM
This question tore at my heart, it ripped it apart. And I started to believe I was a coward, that I was to blame and must've deserved it for not fighting. I hated myself for not fighting back. I thought I needed to punish myself so God could see the pain inside of me. I started cutting. The anger that was drowing the life out of me had to get out somehow. Cutting seemed to be a good solution. Yeah right, it only made my pain worse. (for those of you now doing it, I beg you to STOP!...for those of you thinking of starting, please DON'T!) I don't cut anymore. I happend to have found a good friend who did care. He re-assured me that it wasn't my fault. I forgave my friend for her ignorant question. It's so true that unless you have been there, you have no freaking clue. By the way, that friend of mine called me a short time later. She told me that she and her hubby were playing around, just wrestling and stuff, and he playfully pinned her down and wouldn't let her go. He had total control of her...... she said she remembered me then, and what she said to me....and she freaked. She realized that had he been trying to hurt her, she would not be able to do a #### thing....hmmmm.
Posted 17 December 2002 - 02:50 PM
Have you ever been raped? Do you know what it feels like to have your self respect, your dignity and yourself taken from you in a split second? Do you? Oh you dont, well shut the fuck up then ok.
Posted 18 January 2003 - 08:42 AM
Posted 18 June 2002 - 11:16 AM
I don't know why I didn't fight. If I could remember how it all happened maybe I could come up with an answer. I'm guessing I was scared. I had already said "no" twice and he had said he wouldn't hurt me, but he did. I guess my fear silenced me...
Posted 18 June 2002 - 08:56 PM
So, to answer your question hun, this is what I told my friend when she asked me why I didn't fight back more than I did: Because they were much stronger than me. Because they'd already hurt me and I knew they'd hurt me worse if I didn't do what they said. Because I was very bloody scared.
When people ask questions like this, they deserve the truth. Even if the truth is "I didn't fight back because I was scared." Hearing it as blunt as that will probably help them to cope, too.
Wish I could have been more helpful. (((April)))
Posted 19 June 2002 - 07:46 AM
i feel that people who havent gone thru a r*pe or something along those lines can really understand... you shouldnt have to justify yourself, sometimes fear just gets the better of people and they cant fight...
Posted 19 June 2002 - 09:10 AM
I never imagined this many replies, thank you for all your support and advise. I haven't decided yet if I will still contact my grandmother...but if and before I do I will think about all that you all said.
This question is something that has been shoved in my face so many times, and I guess each time I just get silenter and silenter (I'm guessing that's not even a word), not really sure how to reply to the people asking the question. I could just imagine my grandmother's face, if I were to say F*ck You!
Posted 19 June 2002 - 10:38 AM
Ask then how good a a plan they could come up in less than 30 seconds??? People don't realise how fast the chance to change things goes away...how fast our lives change.
Posted 20 June 2002 - 01:16 PM
You basically just said everything that I've been trying to say in regards to why I put some blame on myself. Wow! I was not offended in one way for what you said. This question of "why didn't you fight" is something that just makes me so angry...but I have a problem that when I get angry I just walk away and never say anything...allowing the other person to think that I am just fine with their statement. Ok, now I'm rambling.
Posted 20 June 2002 - 04:38 PM
My T did the same thing to me today...You are sooooo brave for just having walked out!!!
And yep, she managed to make me feel guilty again...but hey stupid questions like that don't say anything about *us*...only about the enormous stupidity of people.
I think we should start a pandy fund for providing brains to some people who obviously need them
Posted 21 December 2002 - 07:29 AM
To you first reply, the fourth reply in the topic, I love it. That is so how I feel. I couldn't put it any better! So many people came to me with both sides of it. One supposed friend of mine actually blamed me and told me I was stupid for getting raped because I'd been through it before and should have known better. Then, she had the nerve to tell me a story about herself almost being forced to do something she didn't want to do, but she fought as hard as she could and got away because she wanted to get away, I didn't. That's why I didn't fight hard enough - well in her eyes. I thought I was fighting hard enough. Whether I did or didn't, he got the idea that I didn't want to have sex.
Also, when I blame myself, I have a few good friends who reassure me that I might not of had any other choice. They said the exact words you said Crystal, would fighting or fighting harder made it any easier or safer for me? I did what I had to do to get through that period and I thank God that I have them to understand that. Deep down inside of my heart, I don't blame myself and it feels good for a friend to believe with me.
Posted 18 January 2003 - 09:46 AM
I've never been asked "why didn't you fight harder", but I have been asked, "did you fight?" by two people who have been and are very supportive, my cousin and my sister. Both of them are also survivors of rape, though they handle their healing differently than I do.
Since their questions were motivated more from a desire to know what happened than from blaming me, I replied this way.
"Yes, I did fight, but when there are six of them and only one of you, fighting doesn't do much to stop them."
Both of them accepted that.
My mother, however, is a somewhat different story. She doesn't know about the sexual assault, but she does know about the preceding abuse -- and when I told her that these boys were touching me, she said, "why don't you hit them, why don't you fight them, you could make them stop if you tried."
Duh, mom. You're right, you must be -- I've been struggling and hitting them, but I must not be doing it the right way. Hello, I'm thirteen, there are six of them, and they're strong -- but it must be my fucking fault.
Sorry for the strong words, but you can see that I still have problems with my mother on this score.