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19 November 2012
Today has been a better day than it was last week. Im still feeling down, but my heart feels a little lighter. I have court in to days for the judge assignment. I haven't been able to sleep. Even though I went to bed at 7:30. I think the depression is kicking in again. Somedays its stronger than others. I still feel so hurt, and no good. it kills me that this is where I sit. How I just hear his words over and over, the same night he black mailed me he said "Ill have you right where I want you". I feel so belittle. I feel like I'm no one. and like I've had no control over anything in my life. Like nothing I wanted, or did, like I haven't been able.... I just hear my uncle telling me "why do I want to hurt my family!" I never wanted to hurt anyone or end up a victim. I tired being strong, and the more I tired to love this person the more it was used against me the more it hurt. I just don't know what to do any more... I feel like Im never ganna be the person I was before this happened. Strong willed independent even some what happy. I wish I didn't live in society that treated raped victims this way. I was even told by the police that if I had money my case would have been handled differently. Which just makes me all the more depressed. Like nothing, nothing in life was ever just ganna give me a chance, a chance to be treated equality and fair. Like my life, was ever a choice in which I could be happy.