It Couldn't Be Possible... [TW]
When I get EMDR, I'm going to see if I can get any memories back of my father perhaps sexually abusing me when I was a little girl. For those of you who haven't seen my previous posts lately, here's the situation:
A few months before I looked into my history of CSA, I had a nightmare about my dad sexually abusing me as a toddler. This seems suspicious to me, especially since I looked back in family photo albums and the layout of the room I was in was very similar if not exactly as it appeared in my nightmare. Now, how could I remember the look of that house with such accuracy (however little it may be) if I was only a toddler at that house?
Also, my mom told me that before they got divorced when I was almost 9, my dad told her,"Don't neglect your next husband(sexually) or he might do something with the girls." Then my mom asked my dad if he had been touching me and he said no... but my dad is a habitual liar, so he could very well be lying. Also, at that house my parents had separate bedrooms so I'm pretty sure that my mom was "neglecting" my dad.
So as you can see, I have perfectly reasonable grounds for feeling suspicious....
...And yet, I cannot bring myself to believe that he would be capable of doing such a thing.
I mean, I was always daddy's special little girl when I was little and we could do things together. He'd always take me out on outings with him and not once do I remember him touching me in a bad way. He was there for me emotionally when no one else wasn't... if he had really done something wouldn't I feel afraid of him? Wouldn't I have remembered? Wouldn't it have happened to my siblings too? I don't think that he did anything to my siblings at all... so why would he do it to only me? Also, wouldn't he still be doing it to me? And why would he be married to a grown woman multiple times if he was attracted to children?
If he did do something to me though... that would explain my excessive bossiness and aggressiveness at an early age (age 4) along with the frequent urinary tract infections, the violent roleplaying with my dolls (age 4), the bloody underwear my mom found, my fear of the dark and sleeping in my room, why my other cousins (who were mostly female) never wanted to give my dad a hug (he even had to bribe one of them with money just for a hug), and countless other things... I mean, unless that alley incident when I was r**ed at 6 was what was responsible for certain things...
I just don't know anymore what to think... I mean, I'm suspecting my own dad of horrible things. He used to love me (I mean, before my sister got old enough to play with. Now he focuses all his attention on her and my 5 year old brother, but mostly my sister.), so how could I think such things?
And I know that people are saying that no matter who did it it doesn't change what I'm going through and, I really don't mean to shoot down your attempts to help, but it really does change what I'm going through. It makes it worse, because I trusted this man like nobody else. He was the only one who was there for me growing up and, no matter how neglectful he was until he was ready to play, I craved the love he gave me so much... and to learn that the only person I could love and trust growing up did something like that to me? That would tear my heart to shreds...
And though I don't want to pass premature judgement on anyone, I have this deep feeling in the pit of my stomach that once I do some memory uncovering, he's going to be guilty of something, and if not him then someone else I'm close to. Who knows, maybe it's just my paranoia going nuts... but where the hell did that dream come from all of a sudden if I wasn't even focused on CSA at that point in my life? I just hope that I uncover the truth... because if I don't and he's really guilty, then my siblings, cousins, and future children could be in danger.
Source: I-It Couldn't Be Possible... [TW]