[blithe]

This is brilliant!!

SA 2004

1. It was my fault because he was my friend's brother/brother's friend and they have good judgement
2. It was my fault because I had had a couple of drinks
3. It was my fault because I went into his room when he said he wanted to talk about my brother
4. It was my fault because I didn't know how to stop him
5. It was my fault because everyone told me so
6. It was my fault because I can't remember everything that happened anymore and I have doubts

1. It wasn't my fault because he took advantage of me
2. It wasn't my fault because he did the same thing to 3 other girls in the same week
3. It wasn't my fault because.....I can't think of anything else

SA 2012

1. It was my fault because I went to his house
2. It was my fault because we had kissed once before
3. It was my fault because I consented to a (professional) massage
4. It was my fault because I didn't read the signs
5. It was my fault because I froze up
6. It was my fault because I didn't leave straight away

1. It wasn't my fault because he has a wife and child - I didn't expect anything to happen especially in their own home
2. It wasn't my fault because he had massaged me before and was very professional
3. It wasn't my fault because I thought we were friends
4. It wasn't my fault because I didn't expect it to happen and I didn't want it to happen
5. It wasn't my fault because I was in an extremely vulnerable position and he took advantage of me in so many ways
6. It wasn't my fault because he admitted he did something wrong (eventually)

The last one is still very fresh (barely 6 months old) so thank you for giving all of us the opportunity to recognise these feelings of self-blame and help us feel validated and normal!

[LoveJuly]

thank you for this exercise and all the brave people who have posted. here goes:

when i was 6, it was my fault because:
-i agreed to it
-i wanted him to finish his part of the agreement
-i didn't tell anyone
-i probably enjoyed it
-he was my brother and i was dirty for agreeing
-he was only 10 and innocent
-i have forgiven him and feel compassion for him

not my fault because:
-i don't remember what happened leading up to it or even how/if i agreed, i couldn't have come up with the idea or understood what it meant
-he violated my trust; i was taught to be fair, and he broke the agreement
-i didn't feel safe telling anyone and had learned that our family NEVER dealt with serious stuff
-my body had natural reactions that i can't control, and i can't even remember if i liked it
-i loved trusted and looked up to my brother, i was too young to understand what was wrong about seeking affection in that way from him
-i was 6 and innocent, he had been abused already and should have known what he did to me was wrong
-my ability to forgive and have compassion for him is what i'm choosing to do, and what i feel in my heart

when i was sexually active as a teen and young adult, it was my fault because:
-i was a slut/dirty whore and it was all i was worth
-i never said no
-i wanted it and liked it
-i provoked the guys
-i was overtly sexual
-i sought out validation and attention from men
-i did really shitty things to others and deserved it

not my fault because:
-my sexual experience was perceived to be excessive due to double standards--if i was a guy it'd be accepted. i am a whole person, and i deserve to be sexual AND loved fully.
-i did say no sometimes, but i was so disconnected/dissociated i didn't feel i had a right to say no, or i was ignored or coerced. with my history i couldn't have stood up for myself more because i didn't have the foundation to
-it was natural to feel pleasure, excitement & power, and my body reacted in healthy normal ways, doing what it is supposed to do as a teen and as a human
-my provocation was out of needing validation, feedback and love, and that was what i'd learned would get it for me
-my overt sexuality was my lost innocence learned at an early age and not an open invitation to treat me like a whore--only valued for part of who i am
-my seeking validation, love, affection, security & feedback was a normal response, especially because i felt invisible, confused and unworthy
-i didn't learn how to deal with feelings in healthy ways, or even recognize what my feelings were, so acting out my anger & power & numbness was an understandable boiling point reaction i had--without the understanding, support or healthy outlets for those feelings--i did the best i could and sometimes made mistakes.

thank you, whew!

[kas]

i need to try something so here gose's

it was really my fault because i meet him
it was really my fault because i stayed with him
it was really my fault because i let him i gave up i just could not fight back
it was really my fault because i i let him drug me
it was really my fault because i cos if i was i was a better child my perants would of known
it was really my fault because i care to much for others
it was really my fault because i cared for my family and my sister
it was really my fault because i cos should of said something
it was really my fault because i thats all i felt i was good for
it was really my fault because i i said i love him

there were 5 all told one was my brother,1 was my boyfriend one a 18 year old boy the main one and his friend in a car
im so a shamed all this in 6 months its hearlly hard,im sorry

It wasn't my fault because he said he'd kill my family
It wasn't my fault because i had to stay for my family sake
It wasn't my fault because he'd rape me evry few
It wasn't my fault because he made me drink something that had drugs in it
It wasn't my fault because cos my mum and dad did not care about me and just let me suffer
It wasn't my fault because i tryed to be a good child and was i was caring to them i had to do this for them omg i feel sick
It wasn't my fault because that he use my light inside me to get what he wanted oh god all i ever wanted to was help people in eny was i could that was how i was and this son of a bich toke that from me my soul hurts and my heart one day i will tell u but i cant now im sorry thank you tho i tryed sorry

This post has been edited by kas: 20 April 2013 - 01:04 PM

[JenBB]

It was my fault because I left the door unlocked.
It was my fault because I didn't scream.
It was my fault because I didn't fight him physically.
It was my fault because I was sleeping naked.
It was my fault because I couldn't identify him.
It was my fault because my body responded to him a little bit.
It was my fault because I left a note on the door telling my roommate to have a good weekend out of town, letting people who passed by my dorm room know I was alone in the room.

It wasn't my fault because no one has the right to enter my room without my permission.
It wasn't my fault because I was awakened from a deep sleep and had trouble processing what happened.
It wasn't my fault because he threatened me with a gun.
It wasn't my fault because I can be naked in the privacy of my own home.
It wasn't my fault because it was dark and I couldn't see him without my glasses.
It wasn't my fault that stimulus affected my body. I could control my thoughts.
It wasn't my fault because I should still have safety even when others know I'm alone.

[pandypandy12]

This is my first post, might as well try to tackle my inability to place blame where it belongs.

It was my fault because I trusted him
It was my fault because I should have known a 19 year old interested in high school freshmen was a predator
It was my fault because I couldn't get any words out
It was my fault because I didn't tell anyone
It was my fault because I refused to believe it
It was my fault because I kept talking to him
It was my fault because I took the drinks he gave me
It was my fault because I was being rebellious
It was my fault because at 15 I thought I was an adult
It was my fault because I orgasmed

It wasn't my fault because he knew he had to gain my trust in order for his plan to work
It wasn't my fault because I at 15 you think older guys are cool, and they should know better
It wasn't my fault because even if I had said yes it would be considered statutory rape
It wasn't my fault because I had been drugged
It wasn't my fault because I was confused, and in denial
It wasn't my fault because denial is a survival mechanism
It wasn't my fault because I cannot control my body
It wasn't my fault because he is the predator, he is the criminal, he deserves the shame, the flashbacks, the nightmares, the difficulty getting any relationship off the ground, the insomnia, the anxiety, the panic attacks.

WOW that actually felt really good, I didn't think making two lists could be so helpful. Thank you for sharing this exercise.

[Accalia]

Age 1-7
It was my fault.
It was my fault because I let it keep happening.
It was my fault because I dissociated and repressed it, causing me to completely forget it all until age 17.
It was my fault because I refused to disclose, even when showing all the signs and worrying my Mom like crazy.
It was my fault because I needed the attention and love.
It was my fault because perpatrators kept finding me and using me.
It was my fault because I kept going back for more.

It wasn't my fault because I was too young to understand.
It wasn't my fault because I couldn't protect myself as an infant.
It wasn't my fault because they were strong and powerful and could manipulate me.
It wasn't my fault because I did not like it and was scared.
It wasn't my fault because I grew up with it and thought it was normal.

Age 9
It was my fault because I let him come in the tent with me.
It was my fault because I did not tell anyone.
It was my fault because I dissociated again and did not remember.

It wasn't my fault because I was still a child.
It wasn't my fault because I was still accustomed to it.
It wasn't my fault because HE was the perpatrator!

Age 18
It was my fault because I knew he wanted to hurt me, and I still went over to his house.
It was my fault because I can't say no.
It was my fault because I went back 2 more times.
It was my fault because I am a bad person.
It was my fault because I deserve it.
It was my fault because I let him hurt me.
it was my fault...

[MariaTeresa]

I wasn't going to post here, but then I read blithe's post. I really just want to copy & past all her answers from 2012 because they're so similar to what happened to me. I still feel like it's my fault. I should have known. I should have known what a male is like when he is starting to be aroused. I should have run the heck out of there as soon as he stopped strangling me & never gone back. I should have told him he could shove all his lame excuses for inappropriate/unprofessional behaviors. I should have focused on what was wrong, rather than trying to soothe myself by recreating the scene in my head with a happier ending than what actually happened in reality.

I can say all the things about that I didn't know because I valued purity above all else, that I looked for the best in people and gave them the "benefit of the doubt", that I did tell him to stop many times, that I did try to pull him off of me without success, that even if I had done none of those things, it's not appropriate for a doctor to do that to his patient during a medical visit, but honestly, I don't believe any of those things really let me off the hook. I was in my late-20's for Pete's sake. I really have no excuse. I got what I deserved. I only regret that I survived b/c now I am so, so sad & stressed all the time. I don't like being around grown-ups at all. Sometimes I don't even like being around anyone. I got too sick of hearing my counselor tell me it's not my fault. I can't see her anymore. Of course it's my fault. Maybe not legally - well, okay - DEFINITELY, legally, it's entirely his fault - but in every other way. I feel completely destroyed. I'm struggling to even keep my faith... I'm not sure if it's worth keeping. :(/>

[Ineloquent]

It was my fault because I kept going back to him.
It was my fault because I couldn’t pleasure him.
It was my fault because I wasn't adventurous enough for him.
It was my fault because I was flaunting myself to him.
It was my fault because I didn't notice the signs earlier.
It was my fault because I didn’t fight back harder.
It was my fault because I didn’t talk to him about how I felt.
It was my fault because I orgasmed each time, so he thought I was enjoying it.
It was my fault because I didn’t walk away.
It was my fault because I never told anyone.


It wasn't my fault because I should be allowed to stay within boundaries that I feel comfortable in.
It wasn't my fault because no one noticed, and he managed to deceive everyone into believing he was a good guy.
It wasn’t my fault because I shouldn’t have had to fight back; he should’ve stopped when I said no.
It wasn’t my fault because I was made to feel guilty if I told him he’d upset me.
It wasn’t my fault because an orgasm is a nervous response, and doesn’t mean I enjoyed what happened.
It wasn’t my fault because I was far away from anyone I knew, and had nowhere else to go.
It wasn’t my fault because I was made to think that everything was ‘normal’.

[Say_Anything]

CSA #1
It was my fault because I didn't fight back.
It was my fault because I didn't even argue or say no.
It was my fault because he didn't need to use force.
It was my fault because I never told anyone.
It was my fault because I should have known better.
It was my fault because he wasn't a lot older than me.
It was my fault because I let him do it many times.

It wasn't my fault because he knew better.
It wasn't my fault because he manipulated my trust.
It wasn't my fault because he lied to me.
It wasn't my fault because I was too young to be able to stop it.
It wasn't my fault because if I was old enough to know better than he was too.



CSA #2
It was my fault because I let it happen again.
It was my fault because I didn't say no.
It was my fault because I didn't call for help.
It was my fault because I didn't fight hard enough.

It wasn't my fault because he was so much older than me.
It wasn't my fault because he used force.
It wasn't my fault because I was a child.
It wasn't my fault because it was clear I didn't want it.
It wasn't my fault because I was more vulnerable after having a similar experience in the past.

[traveller321]

1. It was really my fault because I had drunk a lot of vodka
2. It was really my fault because I went with him even though I had a boyfriend
3. It was really my fault because my body reacted to it and I remember enjoying it
4. It was really my fault because I didn't try to leave
5. It was really my fault because I was attracted to him

1. It wasn't my fault because he told me we were going for drinks at a bar and he took me back to his.
2. It wasn't my fault because I told him no, several times, and he waited until I was asleep so that I couldn't say no anymore
3. It wasn't my fault because I didn't feel I could leave
4. It wasn't my fault because he did everything he could to get me there and keep me there
5. It wasn't my fault because he kept holding me and refusing to let me go
6. It wasn't my fault because I didn't want to
7. It wasn't my fault because he knew what to do to get me to trust him
8. It wasn't my fault because I do not know what he did while I was asleep