to Dr K....
I was very upset when I left the VA. I have been having pieces of time where I am horribly depressed. So, I called Dr K and left a message for her. She called me back.
Long story short, next week we will talk about what I wrote. About the problems in the art room. And more talk about safety and me being hospitalized.
Anyway, here is what I wrote:
I don't know why it is so hard for me to put stuff into words. But sometimes it is. So I'm writing them down.
Since I started writing this, something has happened. D is retiring from the art room on Friday. The new lady running it has not only cut down the hours we can go in and use the art room, but she is trying to replace our use of it for art with using it for “groups.” She wants, and is making, changes, that no one who uses the art room wants. Everyone else there wants what I want. To have it as a place to work on art and socialize in the informal relaxed way we do. That is what our psychiatrists wrote our referrals to the art room for. It's what Dr L wrote mine for. For using art to help us cope. But this new lady is very cut and dry, and there is no room for discussion of what we want.
I feel like the support I've had is being yanked out from under me. It is adding to my depression, and making me very anxious. I almost want to give up on the art room, and that would be a bad thing for me to do. I can't work any more than I am right now. I am worried, because that will give me too much down time, too much time to just stay at home, which will only add to my desire to isolate.
I just want to give up on everything right now.
I am stressed about my finances. At the same time, I don't want to work anymore. The work I do have I struggle to do. Physically, it makes my pain worse. I also feel this stress at work that gets overwhelming at times. The other women in group on Monday suggested I try to get disability. They said I should talk to my therapist about it. I brought it up with Dr G when she suggested I don't work. The only response I got from her was that she looked at me like I had 3 heads.
I don't know what to do about that. I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep working. Which makes my stress worse, because right now I am just barely making it financially.
My depression has me scared. I haven't felt this depressed in a long time. I was depressed like this in 2008, when I first started therapy, but it wasn't as bad back then. Because now, I think about suicide all the time. I have a plan. And an alternate plan. And most nights, in bed, I have tears.
And some days, I have tears. I feel like I can't function. I am trying. But the feeling is overwhelming, and it drives my thoughts to be more depressing.
I feel that depressed.
My anger is a real problem. I don't talk about it much. But it gets quite horrible. It is hard for me to talk about. It is vile. It is ugly. I feel that it makes me a horrid person. I hate my anger. And I hate myself in my anger.
I am fine at home. It's when I go out. I just find myself angry at everyone. At things, but mostly people. I get so angry, but I don't express it. I don't do what I want to do most of the time, which is to just haul off and hit people. Hurt someone. Do damage to someone. But I don't do any of that. Instead, it just all stays inside of me.
Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can stand the anger I feel inside of me. Instead of expressing it, I end up in tears and also full of anxiety, because it is so strong and just there.
I am in mostly constant pain. There are times I can't hardly bear it. And I am exhausted most of the time. I can not do all that I used to. Even the days where I didn't do much, now that same low level of activity leaves me tired and hurting.
I feel detached and distant from just about everyone in my life. Everyone I should care about. Even my daughter. I just find it hard to feel any emotion for any of them, and most of the time, I would just rather not have anyone in my life. Many times, I just want them all to go away.
I feel this mental confusion, at times. It's hard to explain. Sometimes, when I try to get things done, especially around the house, I just can't. It's like this fog comes over my mind. Maybe it's just a feeling of being overwhelmed. I don't know.
I see no purpose in my life. I feel like I have no future. I just don't feel like I'm going to be around for long. I feel like nothing matters.
I just feel overwhelmed by all of this I have written. And by the fact that I don't see any end to it, I don't see anyway out of it or any resolution that will be good or positive. I feel very negative and like there is no future for me. I feel like it's all going to end sometime soon.
What I want.
A part of me wants to be admitted to the hospital, but a bigger part of me doesn't. I don't feel safe with myself. Although I am convinced that I won't do anything right now. I have things to do. I do want to finish my weaving I am working on.
But, like I said, I don't feel safe with myself. There is a part of me that doesn't trust me to keep myself safe. And at the same time, my being in the hospital would be bad for me financially. And I don't see how being in the hospital will change anything. When I got out of the hospital, the same things in my life would be there, facing me.
At this point, I kind of know what I want. I have no idea how to go about achieving it. I feel lost. Totally lost. I used to feel self assured, about my life, about my healing. I don't anymore.
I want to heal.
I want to feel like I have a purpose for my life.
I want to stop feeling this physical pain. I want to have some energy. I want to be physically fit, like I used to be.
I want to feel good about myself. I want to WANT to feel good about myself.
I want to learn to handle my triggers better. I want to be able to not let the trauma rule my life like it does.
I want to file a claim here at the VA. Maybe that would help me with the trauma, and maybe with other areas I need help with, too.
I want to try and set some kind of goals for myself. Maybe some short term ones to start, because I feel like setting long term goals, at this point, would be overwhelming.