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Iguess it's painfully obvious sometimes that my body deceives me. Iawoke to something around 3am. Thereafter, I was tossing and turning.My husband noticed. Shortly after his morning shower he came to cuddle andfondle me as he sometimes does in his soft, delicate manner. He knows I'm not an eager morning sex person. It feels nice, butI tune it out. My normal response is to talk, ask questions or turnaway and pretend I've fallen back asleep. I knew he wanted to havesex and I didn't want to deny him that.
Andthen...my body responded. It has been a few days since we last hadsex. He has been so busy. I was so wet. I continually deny this“restlessness”. It doesn't take long for my body to crave sex.There is a part of me that wishes to deny myself this “pleasure.”
Emotionally,mentally and spiritually, I desire intimacy. I want to be held,hugged, kissed and softly caressed. This is the feeling I have mostoften. I want the G-rated version. Of course, there are those timeswhen I desire the R-rated version...crazy, hot sex. My body and myhormones desire this primal instinct within me. I wishI could go without it sometimes. Then, I wouldn't have to deal withall the emotions that come up before, during and thereafter.
Sometimes,I feel sex is the way to “give” myself to my loving husband. I feel as a manhe needs and desires this from me. I feel he deserves this from me.He would never force me. If I say no, he'll give me a soft kiss andleave me be. Essentially, I feel I'm doing it FOR HIM and not formyself. I want to make him happy. I want him to be happy and sexuallysatiated. It does feel nice. I know my body needs it. I know it'shealthy and physically I feel better afterward. Helping him helps meas well.
Ijust wish I didn't have these feelings of guilt. I feel violated.When he playfully fondles me during the day I pull away. I giggle it off. I try todistract him with other things because I just want him to stop, yethe's doing nothing wrong. I don't want to be aroused. I don't want tofeel aroused. I don't want to be touched in that way...until “I”want it. Still, that doesn't seem fair to him.
Ihate how easily my body deceives me. I hate that I can so easily bearoused, yet in reality I don't get wet all that quickly because mythoughts get in the way. It's more the sensation. I feel that I“will” be aroused. I feel myself becoming turned on and I don'twant to be. I don't want it. Mostly, I can turn it off and feelnothing. I can make myself numb. I can detach myself. My body is nota part of me. It is not who I am. It is not all that I am. I justdon't want to do ANY of it. I want it stop. I don't want to FEEL anyof that. I don't want to confront these feelings continuously.
And afterward...I went into a rather peaceful sleep... My body deceives me...
Andthen...my body responded. It has been a few days since we last hadsex. He has been so busy. I was so wet. I continually deny this“restlessness”. It doesn't take long for my body to crave sex.There is a part of me that wishes to deny myself this “pleasure.”
Emotionally,mentally and spiritually, I desire intimacy. I want to be held,hugged, kissed and softly caressed. This is the feeling I have mostoften. I want the G-rated version. Of course, there are those timeswhen I desire the R-rated version...crazy, hot sex. My body and myhormones desire this primal instinct within me. I wishI could go without it sometimes. Then, I wouldn't have to deal withall the emotions that come up before, during and thereafter.
Sometimes,I feel sex is the way to “give” myself to my loving husband. I feel as a manhe needs and desires this from me. I feel he deserves this from me.He would never force me. If I say no, he'll give me a soft kiss andleave me be. Essentially, I feel I'm doing it FOR HIM and not formyself. I want to make him happy. I want him to be happy and sexuallysatiated. It does feel nice. I know my body needs it. I know it'shealthy and physically I feel better afterward. Helping him helps meas well.
Ijust wish I didn't have these feelings of guilt. I feel violated.When he playfully fondles me during the day I pull away. I giggle it off. I try todistract him with other things because I just want him to stop, yethe's doing nothing wrong. I don't want to be aroused. I don't want tofeel aroused. I don't want to be touched in that way...until “I”want it. Still, that doesn't seem fair to him.
Ihate how easily my body deceives me. I hate that I can so easily bearoused, yet in reality I don't get wet all that quickly because mythoughts get in the way. It's more the sensation. I feel that I“will” be aroused. I feel myself becoming turned on and I don'twant to be. I don't want it. Mostly, I can turn it off and feelnothing. I can make myself numb. I can detach myself. My body is nota part of me. It is not who I am. It is not all that I am. I justdon't want to do ANY of it. I want it stop. I don't want to FEEL anyof that. I don't want to confront these feelings continuously.
And afterward...I went into a rather peaceful sleep... My body deceives me...
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I am sorry that you're dealing with this too and hope that you can find some peace with you hear, body, and soul.
Be well
I feel it wouldn't help much if I express this to my hubby. He is such a kind, gentle man. Oh dear...
Let me know what you think.
Take care...
Ciao...xo
Szil
Thank you
Ciao...xo,
Szil