Welcome to Pandora's Aquarium, a rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivor message board and chat room.
If you've been a victim of any type of sexual violence, you belong here. What you see below represents just a fraction of the resources and survivor support available. Register now to join our community and take full advantage of what this online support group has to offer you as you heal and recover, or sign in to remove this message.
You are not alone, we can support you as you heal, and you've made an important step toward recovery by reaching out. If you are unable to register or have any questions, please contact the staff or view our home page.
Andthen...my body responded. It has been a few days since we last hadsex. He has been so busy. I was so wet. I continually deny this“restlessness”. It doesn't take long for my body to crave sex.There is a part of me that wishes to deny myself this “pleasure.”
Emotionally,mentally and spiritually, I desire intimacy. I want to be held,hugged, kissed and softly caressed. This is the feeling I have mostoften. I want the G-rated version. Of course, there are those timeswhen I desire the R-rated version...crazy, hot sex. My body and myhormones desire this primal instinct within me. I wishI could go without it sometimes. Then, I wouldn't have to deal withall the emotions that come up before, during and thereafter.
Sometimes,I feel sex is the way to “give” myself to my loving husband. I feel as a manhe needs and desires this from me. I feel he deserves this from me.He would never force me. If I say no, he'll give me a soft kiss andleave me be. Essentially, I feel I'm doing it FOR HIM and not formyself. I want to make him happy. I want him to be happy and sexuallysatiated. It does feel nice. I know my body needs it. I know it'shealthy and physically I feel better afterward. Helping him helps meas well.
Ijust wish I didn't have these feelings of guilt. I feel violated.When he playfully fondles me during the day I pull away. I giggle it off. I try todistract him with other things because I just want him to stop, yethe's doing nothing wrong. I don't want to be aroused. I don't want tofeel aroused. I don't want to be touched in that way...until “I”want it. Still, that doesn't seem fair to him.
Ihate how easily my body deceives me. I hate that I can so easily bearoused, yet in reality I don't get wet all that quickly because mythoughts get in the way. It's more the sensation. I feel that I“will” be aroused. I feel myself becoming turned on and I don'twant to be. I don't want it. Mostly, I can turn it off and feelnothing. I can make myself numb. I can detach myself. My body is nota part of me. It is not who I am. It is not all that I am. I justdon't want to do ANY of it. I want it stop. I don't want to FEEL anyof that. I don't want to confront these feelings continuously.
And afterward...I went into a rather peaceful sleep... My body deceives me...